Goulet alert!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007



As of this writing, Robert Goulet lies heavily sedated in a Los Angeles hospital bed, awaiting a lung transplant to avoid a tragic demise at the age of 73.

Yet America, thrilled with California wildfires and Marie Osmond fainting, looks the other way.

By the way, I just can't get over how ridiculous this whole Marie Osmond fainting thing is! She gets done dancing, jumps up and down a little bit, then hyperventilates for a minute, and then, THUD! She smashes into the floor! The audience laughs. Then, to cap off the hilarity, Bergeron throws to commercial while that stupid judge looks like he's reacting to a fart!





Stay strong, Goulet. Like you, we would prefer Donny Osmond faint in front of a national TV audience, but we'll take whatever fainting Osmond we can get.

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Remember those days, Britney?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Britney Spears has a messed up white Mercedes to go with the black one she used in a hit and run. She's having such a difficult time driving. Her brake keeps sticking to her vagina. Such a shame.

I only bring this up to remind you of the times when we went out of our way to pretend Britney had some talent. We didn't appreciate her like we should have.

It was much like the times when we used to thoroughly enjoy Michael Jackson and David Hasselhoff as non-unintentional-comedic entities, never anticipating the complete disasters of individuals they would inevitably become.

Do you even remember 1999-era Britney?

I'll take this opportunity to be the first person in three years to post an attractive picture of Britney.


Eight years later, this outfit barely covers her roast beef.

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Rescuing Britney

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Enjoy this video from a Britney Spears ally. Note: contains language not suitable for small children or a touchy workplace.



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Britney fights Paris for headlines

Friday, June 29, 2007

(12:55) Scoop podcast


Kevin Federline's holding up his divorce with Britney until she can prove she can handle joint custody. She got the roach a little saturated last time.

TMZ says Britney gave her mom a legal notice to stay away from her kids if she's on medication that could impair her abilities to be around children. Now, if she could just deliver one to herself.

Britney won't be performing with Cyndi Lauper. Turns out, Cyndi only lets people who actually sing share the stage with her. And she just found out about Britney lip syncing?


Paris Hilton may sue her lawyer. An "insider" says “The way this case was handled was a disaster. Nobody goes to jail for DUI that long. It was all the lawyer’s fault and we’re looking into what recourse we have.”


MSNBC got a little theatric over having to cover Paris Hilton.




Paris probably doesn't care too much at this point. She's in Hawaii. Why didn't they stop her from travelling? Surely she has more disease strains in her systems than that wannabee tuberculosis guy.


Lindsay Lohan had double the legal limit of alcohol and traces of cocaine in her system when she crashed her car last month. Just traces of coke? Lindsay, you're losing your touch.


Isaiah Washington says ABC didn't give him another chance because he was black. If only he'd been gay...


As expected, The Spice Girls announced their reunion tour yesterday. Did you hear that, Boyz II Men?


For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

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Paris on Larry King

Thursday, June 28, 2007

(4:39) Scoop podcast


Paris Hilton sat down with Larry King last night, and came off quite nicely. Larry King, on the other hand, came off quite creepy old manish.

Paris has landed herself on the cover of People magazine. It was a tossup between her and Rosie, so they went with the choice that would fit the cover.

Even though she's toned down her look a little, it looks like Paris plans to remain a makeup face. You never know if her next video will have better lighting.

Us Weekly is going "Paris-free" in anticipation of Paris fatigue.


Paula Abdul is kind of a bitch, especially when it comes to sweat pants. Someone didn't take their painkillers.




Lindsay Lohan's dad is trying to get visitation rights for his kids, so he sent out a press release, saying "Lyndsay, Michael, Ali and Cody need stability and both of their parents in their lives. I am anxious to spend time with them and end this cruel, needless separation." Problem is, he misspelled Lindsay's name. That's OK, she has the same problem.


For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

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Post-Prison Paris

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Scoop podcast (8:57)


WWE wasted no time forwarding text messages from Chris Benoit to his coworkers. Almost all of them simply mention where his physical address was, as if someone should go there and check things out when they didn't hear from him. Good detective work, WWE! They also want everyone to know that "roid rage" wasn't a factor.


Finally a free woman, Paris wasted no time getting her hair did. It's not like she neglected her looks in prison. She bought skin cream, eyebrow pencils, vaseline, an emery board and cotton swabs in prison. A girl's gotta look good whoring around Cell Block A.

Taco Bell tried to sent a bunch of grub to Paris for her publicized cravings in jail, but it got held up at the front gates of her mansion. When she heard a Taco Supreme was waiting for her at the gates, she figured it was a sex act and said she was trying to change her ways.

Barbara Walters on missing out on the Paris interview: "Look, I’ve done prison interviews before, but people like the Menendez Brothers were really important news stories. This wasn’t. And even though I’d already written my questions, when all that pay-for-play stuff happened, I suddenly felt this was not up to my standard. The whole thing was somehow beneath me." Thank God we can still count on Barbara to do respectable, hard news features like "The Most Fascinating People."


PETA says Michael Moore is fat, and could benefit from a vegetarian diet. But how will he threaten people without his trademark gastrointestinal fortitude?


Michael Moore: Managing to make you even more disappointed in the Royals.


Britney Spears assistant had to rush to a salon for some dye remover after Britney got black dye all over her face from trying to dye what little hair she has. Meanwhile, she's still hitting the club scene pretty hard.


Nicole Richie went shopping for baby books. Ahhhh, she's trying to read! How cute!


Rosie says "art can't hurt u," following criticism of a photo showing her daughter dressed in fatigues with an ammo belt. Then, she said "Twinkies can hurt u," followed by a demonstration of her Twinkie security system, complete with hand guillotine.


For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

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Paris out of her cage

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Scoop Podcast (6:03)


Paris Hilton got out of jail just after midnight this morning. She lost 10 pounds in there, fighting back cravings for Taco Bell and Polish Sausage.

Paris wants to open a halfway house to help other inmates transition to law-abiding lives. The night-vision cameras are already on order.


Lohan plans to continue out-patient treatment when she leaves rehab.


Hanson is asking its fan to banner-up their webpage with Hanson ads. The site with the most click-throughs wins the prize: a custom song from Hanson! Anyone?


Hanson, before they became even bigger losers.


Rosie turned down the Price is Right job because she didn't want to relocate to LA, and couldn't pull off her plan of just taping a bunch of episodes a couple times a month. Moments later, First Class airline seats around the world celebrated like Ewoks.


Grey's Anatomy homophobe Isaiah Washington has been talking to NBC. Maybe he can replace Imus.


WWE's Chris Benoit was found dead, along with his wife and kid. Police think he killed his wife and kid, then himself. Wow. Don't become a wrestler. Or marry one.


For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

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Paris gives it up to Larry King

Monday, June 25, 2007

Scoop podcast (7:32)


Britney's album has been delayed. They're having a hard time getting her legs to ratchet shut for the album cover.


It looks like those rumors of Today paying Paris $1 million were BS. Larry King managed to snag the interview for Wednesday night. This pretty much confirms her oldest lay to date.

A man dressed as a pirate outside Paris' jail demanded her release. If it works, I'm sure Paris has special plans for his hook.

Kathy Hilton says Paris is sick of wearing orange. Not hot.


Nicole Richie and her boyfriend bought a diaper bag. Could this confirm a Nicole Richie pregnancy? Or does she simply wear baby-sized diapers?




"Elliott..."


Nicole was also spotted entering a medical building with mainly OB/GYN and an opiate treatment program. Wow, what a one-stop shop!


Eddie Murphy is indeed the Scary Spice baby daddy.

Scary better be working her pregnancy weight off, because the Spice Girls look to announce reunion plans this Thursday.


Idol: The Musical starts its off-Broadway run next week. The musical is based on Clay Aiken worship.



For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

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Who's Paris whoring out to?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Scoop podcast (6:29)


The New York Post says The Today Show is paying Paris Hilton $1 million for her first post-jail interview. Paris says that's not true. She can make that kind of cash working the back lot of whatever show she prefers.


Pauly Shore showed TMZ.com around his property, trying to disprove Wes Craven's claims that water runoff from Pauly's property wrecked his yard. It looks like Wes is full of it. It looks like Pauly is good with money management to even live in that neighborhood in the first place.


Scott Baio is world-famous for the way he tosses his massive goods to numerous women. Add a fling with Liza Minnelli from years ago to the list. Gross.


If you experience an erection longer than four hours, consult this picture.


Bob Barker says back off, he didn't endorse Rosie as the next Price Is Right host. He simply said she could be a good fit. Not for his old desk chair, for hosting duties.


David Hasselhoff wants an apology from "The Sun" for saying he was drunk off his ass the night he won custody of his kids. If he doesn't get an apology, he'll sue. If he loses the lawsuit, he will get drunk, shirtless, and eat a hamburger on the tabloid's office bathroom floor.


Isaiah Washington says he's out to clear his name, and find the real homophobe from Grey's Anatomy.


Verne Troyer gave Paul Pierce a lesson in tact, telling Paul his name is "Verne," not "Mini-Me." Nice try, Mini-Me. You're not fooling me.


Justin Timberlake wore Capri pants to T.G.I. Friday's.



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The Price Is Wrong, bitch

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Scoop podcast (7:46)


Rosie might have too many demands to get The Price Is Right job. She lives in New York. The show tapes in L.A. One rumor has Rosie saying she'll shoot a month's worth of shows over a four day period every 30 days. It coincides with her monthly, four-day coleslaw binges.


Brad Pitt's family says there's nothing wrong with staying close to Jennifer Aniston. Well, nothing wrong except having her picture on the ceiling of every bedroom in the house.


Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she is no longer friends with Rosie. Rosie upset Elisabeth with one of her video blogs. Don't take it personally, Lizzie. We all find her videos a little upsetting.


Paris' jail called her manager to come pick up four crates of fan mail. I don't even want to know how Paris' fans seal their letters.


Sanjaya says the rumors of his sister posing nude are false. She's too wholesome for all that. However, the countdown to Sanjy's inevitable spread in Playboy continues.


Sanjaya's "You're telling me I blow, but you can't shatter my happiness" face


Wes Craven "suffered and will continue to suffer severe emotional distress and anxiety" at the hands of his neighbor, Pauly Shore. Wes says Pauly's bad lawn maintenance flooded his own lawn. And that's on top of horrifying "weasel" dreams for the past 11 years.


John Travolta gets to cross dress for Hairspray. He's comfortable in the role, thanks to years of dress-up with Tom Cruise.


Paula Abdul hugged some kids outside her birthday party. No word on how many bottles of Vicodin the youngsters pick-pocketed.


For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

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Katie Holmes pregnant again?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Scoop podcast (9:14)


Paris is reading "The Secret" in jail. I smell an Oprah "Girlfriend, what were you thinking?" exchange on the horizon.


Nicole Richie's taking her DUI case to trial July 11th. Does she stand a chance at beating the rap? Or is it a simple matter of the courthouse having toilets that just beg to be puked in?


"Come on, Nicole. You know you want some of this."


Lindsay Lohan found Jesus. If you're high enough, you can see him on the same piece of toast.


Britney's back to drinking. Let's just hope things don't get too unkempt this time around.


TMZ.com grabbed themselves a copy of O.J.'s "If I Did It" manuscript. The karate scene is my favorite part. O.J. sure can weave quite the tale.


Rosie O'Donnell wants The Price Is Right job. She's meeting with CBS this week. First, she's gotta film another creepy video for her website.


John Travolta says prescription drugs are responsible for school shootings. Wow, I always figured Flintstone's Vitamins would be the first pills to animate and take up arms.


Larry Birkhead and Howard K. have joined forces over Anna Nicole's estate. Hey, there's enough to go around for everybody.


Leave it to Hillary Clinton to come up with the BEST SOPRANOS PARODY OF ALL TIME!!!




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My Odeo Channel (odeo/114e6af2512ac729)

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Scoop

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Scoop - Paris' hood fights back (4:37)


Paris Hilton is reading self-help books in jail. On top of that, she's planning on ditching her friends, and even made a cell-made Father's Day Card for her dad. Work those crayons, girlfriend.

Paris Hilton's neighbors are a little sick of the attention and issued a neighborhood memo titled "Heiress Alert: Time For Action." It looks like a neighborhood watch for Paris and her helicopter-flying friends. Paris passed out on a porch couch is as dangerous for small children as a discarded refrigerator.


Britney's not a fan of these Billboards:



"I didn't shave my snizz for this type of display."


Delete your EVite: Lindsay Lohan's 21st birthday party is off. She'll look to get tossed in a more private setting than a Vegas nightclub.


Shar Jackson wants to sue Star Magazine for saying she received Kevin Federline's seed again. She'll even take an EPT test to prove otherwise. I think a simple sniff will tell if K-Fed's "stank" has been that close to her.


Tom Cruise will play minister in a game of Scientology Wedding. I bet that job comes with a pretty cool mask.


Julia Roberts has a new baby boy. She still has the same giant teeth, though.



Someone went a little overboard on Tijuana Chicklets.


Motley Crue filed a $20 million lawsuit against their manager for lost revenues, bad career advice, and no decent videotaped lays for Tommy Lee in awhile.


For $125 grand, you could own O.J.'s acquittal suit.


"You'll like the way you look getting away with slaughtering your ex and her boyfriend...I guarantee it."


Hasselhoff's ex has fired Larry Birkhead's attorney. Apparently, Debra Opri isn't qualified to handle cases involving a drunken, shirtless ex eating a hamburger on the floor.


Haven't had enough? For more, minus the commentary, check out my Entertainment Feed on Google Reader.

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Scoop

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Hoff's shirtless, drunken hamburger struggle video has cost him visitation rights until at least May 21, when a judge will decide his future rights.

Hoff says a bad experience with fast food stopped him from performing in The Producers last month. Helpful tip: you really shouldn't eat it off the floor.


Paris Hilton has officially filed her notice to appeal her jail sentence. It's probably the police's fault anyway, as Paris says they pull her over just to hit on her.

Meanwhile, lunch at her potential prison is typically baloney, breakfast is a boiled egg. She won't be allowed makeup. How will she cover up all the sores? She might not want to: there's a group of "very masculine lesbians" there.


Ty Pennington is apologizing for getting a DUI over the weekend. Surprisingly, it was just for alcohol. Surely that's not all he's on. Speaking of which, Lindsay Lohan: cokehead?


Britney's keeping it classy:


"You should see the panties."


Kevin Costner is a baby making machine: he became a father for the 5th time. Just imagine if he joined forces with Brit.


Someone submitted a video of Sanjaya playing with Sour Patch Kids for the I Love New York casting call. It's a spinoff of Flava of Love, if you're unfamiliar. Sanjy must've meant to audition for Flav's show, instead.

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Scoop

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Paris Hilton says her 45 day jail sentence is unfair and "I don't deserve this." It seems a bit much for driving with a suspended license, but she deserves something. Maybe they could just put a chastity bracelet on her goods.

Paris' mom is pretty pissed about the whole deal. She told the prosecutor "this is pathetic." Later, she said "I can't believe all the money we've spent on this." She didn't specify whether "this" means the legal hearings or just Paris in general.

Paris will likely spend little actual time in jail, despite her sentence. "Lost" actor Michelle Rodriguez spent two hours in the same jail, even though she was sentenced to 60 days for the same offense as Paris. Overcrowding and her plague-like pantie crickets will likely get Paris similar treatment.

Even Lindsay Lohan feels bad for Paris. Now, if she could just address Herbie Fully Loaded.

"Is that a tunnel ahead? Or just Paris spread eagle?"


Jada Pinkett Smith believes Katie Holmes still has free will...twice a day to use the can.


If celebrity fashion trends mean anything to you, we can expect high-waisted "mom jeans" to make a comeback. Britney Spears did not contribute to this trend.


Kid Rock says he had a confrontation with Anna Nicole at last year's Kentucky Derby. Anna had cameras following her around for a TV show, and Kid was a little annoyed. They cursed at each other a whole lot, he called her a pig, all in front of his son. When Kid got home, he found out Anna gave his kid $300 to apologize. He said "That blond girl with the big boobs gave it to me." Does that rule out Pam Anderson?


Spiderman 3 is selling out four times faster than Spiderman 2. It set a new record for an opening weekend at $150 million.


Here's a fun, new statue of Kate Moss. Should Britney sue for the statue infringing on her signature pose?


"Alright, now who has a Nerf football? Preferably one that whistles when you throw it."


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Scoop

Thursday, May 03, 2007

David Hasselhoff "appears intoxicated, lying on the floor, wearing only a pair of blue jeans while attempting to eat a hamburger" in a fun video shot by his 16-year-old daughter.


Lindsay Lohan is planning on making the most of her 21st birthday in July, when she can finally get into clubs. She lives a rough life.


Prosecutors want Paris Hilton to spend 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. She has a court date tomorrow. When will the tabloid lobbyists step in to stop this nonsense?


Britney Spears can chew gum and lip sync at the same time. Meanwhile, you can imagine her nips...

"Now if I can just tape one to my vag..."


Rosie O'Donnell made Time's 100 Most Influential People list.


David Beckham's 32nd birthday party reunited all the Spice Girls, minus Sporty. Why must she deprive the American public the reunion they so rightly demand?


George Lopez called Jay Leno a backstabber. Leno approached George at a club to apologize, but it turned out he was apologizing to Paul Rodriguez. Leno said he didn't have his contacts in.


Don Imus is planning a lawsuit against CBS Radio for firing him for what he was supposed to do. His contract calls for him to be irreverent and controversial. He still has $40 million on his deal.


R. Kelly wrote a song for the victims of Virginia Tech. Were they peed on, too?

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Scoop

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Cops pulled over Britney Spears tour bus on the way to her comeback show at the House of Blues in San Diego. The bus was causing a bit of a traffic jam. Britney must've thrown a "pressed ham" at the window.


Katie Holmes might be a little too flirtatious with a co-star from Mad Money. Will Tom have to chain her to the Xena statue again?


No shrink is safe.


Scary Spice is taking Eddie Murphy to court to get a paternity test. Will a transsexual step forward to testify that Eddie was in herm's company the night of the alleged conceiving?


Rosie says she's backing off her political fights with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View, thanks to Lis'z fetus. So, if you ever want to win an argument with Rosie, just get knocked up. Guys, we're still screwed.


Settle down. Lance Bass didn't turn hetero, he's just friends with Meadow Soprano.


Halle Berry threw a thousand bucks at some baby clothes. Is she pregnant or just confused on her size? Either way, Catwoman is to blame.

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Scoop

Monday, April 30, 2007

A couple tabloids say Roseanne is the person to beat in the race to replace Rosie. I'd be cool with that, so it'll end up being Kathie Lee Gifford. Speaking of which, yesterday I mentioned that Kathy Griffin was #3 on TV Guide's poll to replace Rosie. Is it possible the American public mistook Kathie Lee Gifford for Kathy Griffin?






Elisabeth Hasselbeck got knocked up again. Barbara Walters, however, didn't pee hot.


Britney Spears was driving in a convertible, lost her hat and nearly lost her wig.


Britney did poorly in her limited study of physics.


Chris Richardson and Blake Lewis broke Idol curfew to go out. If you get caught breaking curfew, they make you clean vomit off Paula's clothes.


Larry Birkhead's ex-lawyer is now working for Hasselhoff's ex. Don't let her get the Pam Anderson standups, Dave.


Remember when Danny DeVito showed up drunk on The View after downing limencellos with George Clooney all night? Now, you can buy Danny DeVito's Premium Limencello for about $25 a bottle. Warning: Do not drink Danny DeVito's Premium Limencello while watching "Junior." Safe in conjunction with "Twins."


Lou Diamond Phillips had a court appearance for fighting with his now-ex girlfriend.


"I deserved the Estevez part!"

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Scoop

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Britney got pulled over for speeding, but police let her off with just a warning. One of those times where it pays to go sans pantie. Meanwhile, she's writing a tell-all book about her time with Kevin Federline. Whether it'll include material post-exposed-snatch remains to be seen.

A New York art gallery has a sculpture of a naked, deceased Paris Hilton on an autopsy table, with her dog Tinkerbell looking confused. It even has removable guts. Getting one particular mold was easy.


Sheryl Crow says she was joking when she said everyone should limit themselves to one square of toilet paper. She couldn't get anyone to smell her finger for proof.


Larry Birkhead's daughter is now officially Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead. You should've seen it before they ran out of room on the birth certificate.

Anna Nicole's designer, Bobby Trendy, put together a video response to smack talk from Anna's former hairdresser.


Arnold Schwarzenegger got a $10 thousand donation from Donald Trump. Magically, Arnold showed up on The Apprentice. Some say it's suspicious, but I say there's no way someone would settle for just 10 grand to show up on that heap.


A TV Guide poll puts Kathy Griffin number three on the public's list to replace Rosie. Let's see, who could we pick to make sure Donald feels comfortable calling them a loser?

Donald got booed off the JumboTron at a Laker game.


Police arrested 2005 Idol Top 10 finalist Jessica Sierra for hitting a guy in the head with a glass at a cafe, and for coke possession. Amazingly, Justin Guarini was nowhere to be seen.


"I just need a record deal, then I'll show em all! Paula always told me I did good!"


Simon Cowell messes with Paula's head throughout episodes of American Idol.

Paula had trouble conjuring words on a QVC segment selling her jewelry line.


Tracy Morgan has to wear an alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet as part of his DUI plea deal. How will he cope with being Tracy Morgan?

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Scoop

Thursday, April 26, 2007

London Police arrested Hugh Grant for throwing a family-sized tub of baked beans at a photographer. He also kicked the guy three times and possibly told him he hopes his kids die of cancer. Seems reasonable to me.


The New York Post says Rosie tried to kick Barbara Walters off The View. Or fart her off it, at least.


Anna Nicole's former hairdresser to her former designer, Bobby Trendy: "Can you cut it out man, I'm gonna have to kick your ass, seriously! You have no business being in her movie and you know it!"


A woman obsessed with Sandra Bullock tried to run her Mercedes over Sandra's husband, motorcycle guy Jesse James. That's what happens when you make movies like "The Net."


"I look like a reasonable enough woman, right?"


Britney's looking real dumb.


Richard Gere has a warrant for his arrest in India for kissing a woman in public. He could get three months.


Gwen Stefani and Pink were cut from Idol Gives Back, because of time constraints. Pink's "U + UR Hand" translates a little rough to Africans, anyway.


I thought she was legal a la the Dawson's Creek cast, but I just found out the Heroes cheerleader is only 17 in real life. I feel creepy.


Pam Anderson filmed one of those awkward DirecTV commercials where they splice struggling actors' commercial pitches into the middle of classic movie and TV scenes. In this case, Baywatch. Is nothing sacred?


Tyra Banks grabbed Rosie's boobs on The View. Rosie's boobs took awhile to let go.


Mel Gibson's in Costa Rica. My money's on Costa Rica.


Random: rapper Eve got busted for DUI and got a visit from Sean Penn in jail.


Prince was doing a show, and saw Paris in the audience. He called her up on stage, gave her a mic and said "Let's see if she can really sing." Paris declined.

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Scoop

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

As expected, Rosie announced she'll be leaving The View when her contract expires this Summer.

Also, as expected, Donald Trump took credit for "Rosie's firing."


High-five rape in action.


Alec Baldwin taped an appearance for this Friday's View, and it's supposed to have been quite the scene, indicating he wants off 30 Rock. Sounds like someone wants Rosie's job. NBC says he's going nowhere.


Britney Spears is rarely seen with Sean Preston, and only seen once with Jayden James since his birth. Isn't that a good thing?

Meanwhile, Britney was spotted drinking wine one day and sake the next.

Creepy Jessica-and-Ashley Simpson baby-daddy Joe wants to manage Britney. It'll be far less awkward sleeping with someone outside the family.


Scary Spice is ready for Eddie Murphy to come take his paternity test. If he doesn't step forward, maybe Howard K. could stop in to help.


Kirstie Alley might end up on someone's jury. If she doesn't eat the other potential jurors, that is.


Girls Gone Wild douche Joe Francis has even more legal problems. Some 18-year-old girl says he touched her boobs, ass and thigh after she told him to stop. A free T-Shirt couldn't work his way into her pants.

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Scoop

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Alec Baldwin fired his agents for "personal reasons." To spend more time leaving angry voicemails?

Kim Bassinger scored a modeling deal with a skincare product. No word on an anger management product for Baldwin just yet.


TMZ says Paris Hilton and Josh Henderson broke up, citing the "single" MySpace status for Josh. He even modified his partying plans to avoid her. Did you expect her to do the same?


A judge could allow Larry Birkhead to bring his baby back with him to the United States, despite Anna's mom.


Angelina Jolie filed to change Pax Thien Jolie's name to Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt. It must have something to do with their impending divorce.


One of Diddy's bodyguards threatened a cameraman: "Don't shoot him ... it's not going to be a good situation if you shoot him." Do light bulbs cause Diddy to break out into a performance or something?


Britney's looking good enough to show off the stomach again. How long before she has the confidence to start showing off the crotch again?


"Like my body?"

In other potential exposed 'gina news: Britney's encouraging her fans to send in pictures. "Share what happens to you when the clock strikes 12 ... where are you? Who is with you? Pay attention to yourself -- what are you doing? How do you feel? Savor every last detail and when you think you have it down, recreate that perfect moment and capture it as best you can in a digital photograph."


Sanjaya got slimed and read Letterman's Top 10 all in one day. How many of our fine institutions will he wreck before we stop him?


Rosie MC'd a women in the media event in New York. She's not over Trump. She went off on him, grabbed her crotch and said "eat me." The 17 high school girls in attendance took notes.


Keith Richards mom died this weekend. He promptly called his coke dealer.


Heather Mills if off Dancing with the Stars.

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Scoop

Monday, April 23, 2007

Joe Francis has 23 days left in jail. The Girls Gone Wild founder pleaded guilty to contempt, for messing up negotiations with seven woman who weren't happy about their breasts becoming public. In prison, some cop killer constantly yells "Girls Gone Wild! Joe Francis! Whoo!"


Sanjaya says: "I'm not just a musician, I'm an entertainer." Like a clown?

This looks to be a shame: Celine Dion will do a duet with an impersonator lip-syncing to Elvis Presley on this week's American Idol.

Ellen will be co-hosting with Seacrest for Idol Gives Back this week.

Kelly Clarkson bought Guitar Hero 2 at Best Buy the other day.


Jason Wahler, Laguna Beach's flop of a porn star, played a game of Russian Roulette. He survived. Sorry.


"No one wants to see me nail LC!"




Rod Stewart's son is in trouble for helping beat the hell out of a Ford F-150 and hurting the people inside.


You'd think Rosie O'Donnell would be on Sheryl Crow's side of the global warming argument. But Rosie says her big fat ass can't possibly be treated with one square of toilet paper.


Shanna Moakler posted Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan's phone numbers on MySpace. She said it was retaliation, as one of them might've been responsible for leaking her contact information first, using a fake Harry Morton MySpace page. Confused?


Some Russian douche bag paid J. Lo $2 million for a 40 minute concert for his wife.

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Scoop

Sunday, April 22, 2007

People Magazine brought Sanjaya as their guest to the White House Correspondents Dinner. He wasn't asked to sing.


Phil Stacey replaced Sanjaya as the contestant to vote for at votefortheworst.com. Is it because he wears a different queer hat each week?


"Rouge is my secret power."


Larry Birkhead said he needed to call his travel agent, hinting that he's taking his kid home soon.


Alec Baldwin can't see his 11-year-old daughter for the time being, thanks to the verbal abuse he dropped on her voicemail. Here's Alec's statement to the media.

Alec Baldwin's Letterman appearance might've caused the whole situation. He called her right after it aired.






Kevin Federline is still living the life. He got to party with a bunch of hot, drunk chicks at a topless sunbathing club at the Mirage in Vegas.



Nick Lachey and his girlfriend are living together. Don't answer the door when MTV's knocking, Nick.


TMZ has some funny video of Kelly Osbourne getting frustrated with a valet.


Sheryl Crow got into it with White House goon Karl Rove on global warming.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Britney Spears got a parking ticket. At least she's still avoiding charges for random pieces of litter falling from her nether regions.


Paris Hilton drove away from a meeting with her lawyer about driving with a suspended license.


Lindsay Lohan doesn't think she's an addict. She doesn't think in general, either, so this might be a non-story.


TMZ found footage of Sanjaya tap dancing with a broom in a play when he was nine. What a shocker.

Paula Abdul says the competition will get more intense with Sanjaya leaving. His hair was simply too dominating for the other contestants to perform at their peak, apparently.


Katie Holmes might be looking to return to her Catholic roots. No, that doesn't mean she dumped Tom.


Somehow, Donald Trump was in possession of a pair of Rosie panties from the film "Exit to Eden." He sent them to Barbara Walters. She needed new bed sheets, anyway.


Joan Rivers lost her duties on the red carpet. If you can't get Skeletor, why settle for second best?


Looks like we won't be seeing a Laguna Beach sex tape after all. It wasn't "exciting" enough. Not enough surfing, either.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Paula Abdul tried to get preferential treatment on a Southwest Airlines flight. Denied. Surely Southwest could at least muster some Viaka to pacify her.


Larry Birkhead is totally copying Howard K., hiring a lawyer to go after tabloids for defamation.

Larry sold photos of dad and baby to OK! magazine. He's putting it in a trust fund for the kid.


Lindsay Lohan's condo flooded. Conveniently, a guy she used to date lives directly below her. She left the water running in her bathtub. Yeah, I do that and leave my place all the time, too. Go girl!


Screw the bathing suit, Kirstie Alley can clear a fence!


"I think I see a Cheeto!"


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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Britney Spears blames Paris Hilton for everyone seeing her vagina, alcoholism, Kevin Federline...Okay, not Federline. But might as well throw him in there.


Paris Hilton has a May 4th court date to decide whether to revoke her probation for driving with s suspended license. If she does have to do some time, maybe she could smuggle Nicole Richie in and use her to pick the lock.


Sanjaya is officially one of Maxim Online's girls of the day. Ha.


Madonna, not looking to adopt, took her son back to his orphanage for a visit. Students gathered around the building and threw stones to block paparazzi from taking pictures. Hopefully, she'll move there so we don't have to see or hear about her anymore.


TMZ says John O'Hurley, Mr. Peterman or "that dude from Dancing with the Stars who wasn't ridiculously tan" to most people, now leads candidates to replace Bob Barker on The Price Is Right.


Grey's Anatomy homophobe Isaiah Washington will play a priest who returns to the Catholic high school where he was molested growing up. This should play out interestingly.


John Travolta says he's as big as Elvis and Marilyn Monroe, but Scientology kept him from getting dead like them. Xenu offers one bitchin' health plan.


Want to get into bestiality, but can't get past the stigma? Jessica Alba and her dog are here to help.




HBO's Entourage is paying Ron Jeremy $500 a day to use his two balconies. He said they even cleaned up two years worth of bird crap on them. Yeah...bird crap...that's it.


Somehow creepier than Michael Jackson: a fiberglass replica of the King of Pop on eBay.


Disclaimer: this mannequin is incapable of molestation.


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Monday, April 16, 2007

Sanjaya took a trip to Dodger Stadium. He made the JumboTron. The entire stadium booed him off the screen. Ha.


Madonna is in Africa doing charity work, not "give me your baby" work.


J. Lo and Marc Anthony are suing the National Enquirer in Britain for a "J. Larcthony Heroin Scandal" story. Going after J. Lo right now is a cheap shot, anyway.


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took Zahara to Baskin-Robbins, surely proving their marriage is perfect. Tastes like 31 flavors of deception to me.


Gary Coleman took over the turntables at a New York nightclub. Did he take home the guaranteed "Coleman can DJ" poontang? Nope. He got on the mic and told them his girlfriend would be man if he got numbers. What a gentleman.


Busted: Britney Spears in the lotion aisle at Target. I hope she got the scented.

Britney Spears dropped several F-bombs on some photographers. No sign of the snuke, though.


Michael Jackson is a good father, according to the publisher of Sister 2 Sister magazine. If you can't trust Tia and Tamara, who can you trust?


"Bet you wish these were your hands."


Hindu nationalists are burning effigies of Richard Gere. He gave an innocent kiss on the cheek to a Bollywood actress in New Delhi. PDA is a no-no there. The idea of Richard Gere burnt in effigy is a little fun.


Grey's Anatomy won an award from GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. Isn't that the show with the homophobic actor?


Regis is coming back to TV April 26th. Maybe Clay Aiken could stop in and stick his fingers in Kelly Ripa's mouth in the meantime.

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

Britney Spears is struggling to find the perfect hat to compliment her wig. Soon enough, it'll be a liquor dispensing one.


Larry Birkhead is trying to work out a deal with Anna Nicole's mom, without the aid of a lawyer. She might be the reason for no official word on custody from the court.

Howard K. is suing Anna Nicole's mom's lawyer for suggesting that he killed Anna.

Anna's designer, Bobby Trendy, will play himself in the movie about her life.


J. Lo might've dropped a Scientology reference on American Idol when Ryan Seacrest asked her about Simon's harsh critiques. She said "concentrating on the rightness brings more rightness." Maybe she should get punched for sounding stupid, regardless of its affiliation with Scientology.

Some talk show caller asked Hillary Clinton what America can do about Sanjaya. She managed a cheesy enough response: "That's the best question I've been asked in a long time...Well, you know, people can vote for whomever they want. That's true in my election, and it's true on 'American Idol.'"

Former Idol contestant Paris Bennett says she votes for Sanjaya, in hopes of helping taking down the "joke" of a show.


Disgraced former House Majority Leader Tom Delay wants to take Rosie down as a tit-for-tat for the Don Imus firing, citing her politically incorrect way of speaking. Trump says: don't forget her ugly fattiness.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

The Britney Spears Diet: Red Bull and dancing. No liquor...that we know of.

Britney says she doesn't have a crush on Laker player Luke Walton. They'd probably think she were high again if she admitted to that.


"I basketball good."


Tabloids claim Katie Holmes is pissed about a book called "Hollywood Car Wash," a book about a young actress who enters into a contracted relationship. Does she want a cut of the profits or something?


Life & Style says Angelina doesn't love her biological daughter as much as her adopted children. It is a family tradition to either makeout with or hate your own flesh and blood.


Season Two Idol contestant Olivia Mojica made a sex tape with her boyfriend about a month ago. Now, it's going worldwide.


"Some people wait a lifetime..."


J. Lo's marriage isn't bad enough for him to stay away from the American Idol set during her performance. The question is: did Lo get him his own dressing room?


Last check, Paris Hilton was wearing underwear. I think that fantasy is finally over.


Kate Moss looks like death.



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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

You can buy Anna Nicole's last film May 1st. It's called "Illegal Aliens," starring Anna and Joanie Laurer as aliens who transform into hot chicks to protect the earth from evil intergalactic forces. Joanie used to play China on WWE. If you gotta go out, go out big.


Check out the mysterious wording at the bottom of the art. Eerie!



This is kind of odd: TMZ.com was responsible for arranging the meeting between Larry Birkhead and his baby at Howard K's place.


Britney Spears stopped for dinner at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. They burned the chair she sat in.


Justin Timberlake is helping Madonna on her next album. This is the only time I'll say "stick with Britney."


Adding to the evidence that this is the worst group of Idol contestants: they liked J. Lo the best out of all their mentors this season.

Idol lost another million viewers this week. But the two weekly shows are still easily #1 and #2, so don't soil yourself.

Idol's frightening band leader, Ricky Minor, says Sanjaya could win it all.


Laguna Beach loser LC says there never was a sex tape, just a sea of lies. So now she can go back to being worthless.


Bon Jovi owns an Arena League Football franchise in Philly. He doesn't like it when calls go against his team.

"By the power of my womanly head of hair, I condemn thee, ref!"

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

"I told you so!" - Larry Birkhead. Larry Birkhead is the baby daddy.




Howard K. Stern is already letting Larry see his kid. What a nice guy.

Anna Nicole's mom plans to keep fighting for custody of Dannielynn.

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband wishes good luck to Larry and the baby.


Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee took their kids to the beach. At least the camera work will be more consistent this time.


Justin Timberlake says he isn't sending coded messages to Britney at awards show, like when he said "stop drinking" at some show in Britain. Well, "stop drinking" isn't all that coded, so he's technically correct either way.

Halle Berry might go bald for her next movie role. "My character in a movie has an unfortunate event happen and she is forced to shave her head bald. Now she has to approach life as a bald-headed person and discover who she is." I don't think Britney would even need to muster an ounce of acting skill for that role, just get her.


Sanjaya is the number one Internet search term, according to Yahoo! Buzz. You need a good Sanjaya picture to make an effective voodoo doll.


Sharon Osbourne and Elton John went shopping for high heels together.


Paris Hilton's bff-ship to Kim Kardashian seems to be over. Paris didn't show up at Kim's birthday party. I guess she doesn't like dueling sex tapes in friendships.


Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis got himself arrested at the Panama City Airport on his way to turn himself in to police voluntarily. They're charging him for breaking a settlement agreement with some girls he filmed. A free t-shirt can't get you out of everything.


Katie Couric is not "HD friendly." So she's not broadcast in it. Thought you'd like to know.


"Dear is me. I don't look good in HD?"

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Britney Spears took in another Laker Game this weekend. No one was blinded or otherwise hurt by her vagina.

Kevin Federline threw out handfuls of fake $50 bills at a Vegas nightclub. I guess you should know what your getting when K-Fed starts throwing out cash.


TMZ says Sharon Osbourne is replacing Brandy on America's Got Talent. Despite her drawbacks, Sharon's less likely to kill someone on the way to work.


Tori Spelling's mom sent an open letter to Larry Birkhead, offering advice on life as a celebrity. Amazingly, it doesn't say "leech to your daughter."

Howard K. Stern has vowed to walk away if Larry Birkhead is a baby-daddy match.


KFC has some sick obsession with wanting Sanjaya to get a bowl haircut. First, they offered him chicken for life. Now, they've added $5 thousand and an appearance in their next ad for Famous Bowls.

LC from Laguna Beach was spotted with Idol's Timberlake-wannabe, Chris Richardson. Take advantage of the post-"she might have a sex tape!" publicity while you can, girlfriend.

LC's rumored sex-tape partner Jason, though, got arrested and even brought out the N-word to the cop. He also called the cop a fag. I think he's winning this publicity war.


Paris Hilton bought two bunnies for Easter. They simply have to be dead by now.


Take a listen to a GPS with directions provided by Gary Busey.


Isaac Hanson had a baby boy. More impressive: apparently he helped with the conception.

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Sunday, April 08, 2007

Britney Spears and her manager are having a tough time since she left rehab. I guess it's not as fun a job when you don't have a live action Basic Instinct set in front of you at all times.

Britney cut $1 million off the home she shared with K-Fed in Malibu. Now, if she just bleaches all surfaces on the house, someone might find it livable.


Tuesday's still the day for baby-daddy drama to come to an end. Then, we can all rest assured that Dannielynn will live a healthy, mentally unscarred life.

The Anna Nicole Naked Tribute Edition of Playboy is on news stands now. Hugh Hefner says he isn't the baby daddy.


Disney is hinting that they won't use Keith Richards to promote the next Pirates of the Caribbean. If Simba's allowed to spell out "Sex" in slow motion in Lion King, Keith should be allowed to snort a little pop.


Angelina Jolie's brother says Shiloh is named after him. It seems like a bit of a stretch though. Shiloh was his runner-up name, before his parents settled on "James." I think he just wants to sleep with his sister.


Could there be a Laguna Beach sex tape featuring LC and Jason? She denies it on her website, and no one really needs to see Jason ruining her anyway.


Lindsay Lohan would like to play Princess Di someday. I'm sure she could handle the whole car crash scene without a double.


Idol ratings are down the last couple weeks, but the show's producer is blaming Daylight Savings Time, not Sanjaya.


According to TMZ.com, this woman also says Ron Jeremy signed her boob without permission. Yeah, look at her try to fight him off.


"I don't know where that pen's been."

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Britney Spears went to her sister's Sweet Sixteen in a see-through shirt and no bra. Add a weird stain, and it's totally February 2007 Britney!


"Just be glad I didn't wear the matching pants."


Life & Style says Britney met singer-songwriter Howie Day in rehab, and now they might have a bit of a fling...or her love canal offers great acoustics.


Paris Hilton yelled "Hey, whore!" at some random fan. Maybe the fan was wearing mirrored sunglasses.


Suri Cruise fans are buying gifts in anticipation of her one-year birthday in two weeks. What do you get the Scientology baby that has everything? Something anti-Dr. Phil, for sure.


VoteAgainstTheWorst.com has a strategy to get Sanjaya off Idol. They're telling certain states to vote for a certain Idol, and not for Sanjaya, ensuring his exit. Not bad.

Now that the Sanjaya hunger strike is over, some dude is "Binge Eating for Sanjaya." He'll binge eat until Sanjaya wins. It's not the SuperSize Me dude.

J. Lo visits American Idol next week. Just what Sanjaya needs.


Out of nowhere, Whitney Houston's divorce is finalized. How will we talk about Bobby Brown again?


Dennis Miller says Rosie's trying to get herself fired on The View so she can get her own show. At least, that's what we think he said, thanks to five hours of deciphering.


Kevin Costner is suing a promotions company, saying they promised him millions to promote The Kevin Costner Band. Does the judge really need to hear the arguments on this one?

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Howard K. Stern is thinking about hiring the Ramsey's lawyer to go after media outlets accusing him of murdering Anna Nicole or her son. It worked out well for the Ramseys, right?


Songwriters are already working on tunes for Idol-suckee Sanjaya. They have all the notes from "Mary had a Little Lamb" to work from.

The MySpace Sanjaya-Hunger-Striker says she had support from family and friends until health problems arose. She lost 17 pounds. Now, she's a meal fit for Rosie O'Donnell.


Michael Jackson had Vegas' FAO Schwarz shut down to give his daughter, Paris, a shopping spree. No word on whether he bought any 12-year-old bait during the trip.


Keith Richards says he was joking when he said he snorted his father's ashes with cocaine. He actually snorted his own remains.


"Need a catcher's mitt?"


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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Britney Spears went jewelry shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. She needs to accessorize that vagina for the next photo shoot.

Britney managed to go to a nightclub and drink Pepsi without the aid of alcohol. Her panties remained in place, too.

Producer Timbaland says he isn't working with Britney on her new album. He just got a new leather couch.


Next Tuesday, we should have an answer about Anna Nicole's baby daddy.


If a deal hadn't been reached, J. Lo might've served jury duty. I'm sure that would've been some intelligent deliberations.

J. Lo says she isn't J. Lo anymore. She's Jennifer Lopez, if anyone still cares.


A woman asked for Ron Jeremy's autograph at the Exotica porn convention. She's filed a police report saying he took the liberty of signing her boob without permission. The Exotica porn convention isn't apparently the class event we thought it to be.


After 16 days, and a doctor's order, a Sanjaya hunger strike is over.

Some say Indian call centers for American companies are responsible for keeping Sanjaya on the show. They also say Indian call centers treat them like kindergartners on the phone.

Independent Comedy is looking for a Sanjaya lookalike for a spoof. Surely Cheech is sending in his picture.





GQ interviewed Lindsay Lohan via text message. After the interview, Lindsay cured her "Blackberry Thumb" with a pint of vodka.


Scary Spice popped out a kid Tuesday. The baby girl might belong to Eddie Murphy, but Scary doesn't fit Eddie's usual transsexual tendencies.


Keith Richards says he mixed some of his dead father's ashes with some cocaine, then snorted it. We're supposed to be surprised by this?


It looks like there will be a Sex and the City movie, after all. Theaters will provide barf bags at every seat in preparation for the first Kim Cattrall sex scene.

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Monday, April 02, 2007

Britney Spears took in a Laker game this weekend. They mounted her on a pole and used her vagina as the goal.

Avil Lavigne says her mom forced her to a Britney Spears concert before Avril got famous.


Howard K. Stern's appeal got denied. That means we should get to find out the true baby daddy this week. I'm out of jokes for this.

Anna's corpse judge is talking face-to-face with different television networks this week. Hopefully he can hold back his tears when he gets rejected.


Idol contestants are getting pissed at America's Sanjaya-loving ways. They still think Sanjy is cool as a person, they just think he sucks more than other people going home, and it's all America's fault.


Rosie's now feuding with Bill O'Reilly. He started it, calling her an "imbecile." Shortly after, Donald called Bill to remind him about Rosie's fatness, as well.


Tara Reid's bikini top seemed a bit too small this weekend. Her areola was contained, thankfully.


Lindsay Lohan left a club shortly after Paris Hilton arrived. She was probably concerned with everyone seeing her vagina and going bald after a night with Paris.

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Sunday, April 01, 2007

Britney Spears topped the "Most Foolish American" poll, just edging out Paris Hilton and George W. Bush. The President was just one crotch shot away...

Meanwhile, Britney finalized her divorce with Kevin Federline for $1 million. He would've got more had he not wrecked her "bizzness."


Prosecutors want a judge to revoke Paris Hilton's probation after she got caught driving with a suspended license last month. She could (yeah right) get 90 days in jail, but do the other prisoners really deserve that kind of treatment?


Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she and "Ro" are such good friends that they email each other constantly throughout the day.


At least one "Record Weasel" thinks Sanjaya will get signed to a recording contract, and not in the William Hung kinda way.


Rumors place George Hamilton as the front runner to take over The Price Is Right when Bob Barker retires. It'll take more than an overtanned face to replace Bob, CBS!


"I totally out-skin-cancer Bob"


Police arrested some random homeless woman outside the gates to Tom Cruise's lair. The official report says she had stolen goods on her. No, Katie Holmes' soul wasn't among the items.


Idol loser Chris Sligh says he didn't want to win American Idol, anyway, so there!


A source says pornstar Jenna Jameson "underwent a vaginoplasty at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, and she is very unhappy. She has decided to hole up and not speak to anybody." Hopefully Britney doesn't go to the same surgeon. By the way, I love the use of "hole up" in that quote.


Coming soon: a Girls Gone Wild restaurant. "I'll give you Chicken Fried Steak for some boobies."

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Britney Spears went to an actual dentist for her toothache. Now, if we could just get her to the gynecologist...


Sanjaya's family is so over all the bad press. In fact, they're challenging the media to "bring it on." Consider it "brought."

Meanwhile, it's hunger strike Day 12 for this MySpace Sanjaya-hater.


Donald Trump wrote Barbara Walters off his "list" for the way she handled the Rosie ordeal. I'm sure Barbara is traumatized.


Jennifer Aniston made out with some random, unknown tall dude at Vince Vaughn's birthday party. It likely wasn't as lame as her kiss with Courteney Cox.



Paparazzi caught Leonardo DiCaprio flipping through a porn mag at a liquor store. Those Titanic scenes just don't do it for him anymore.


Lindsay Lohan's sporting some serious "Mickelson Boob."



Bono is now a knight. And you thought he couldn't become more pretentious.


Diddy says he had tantric sex for at least 30 hours on a recent trip to Paris. He says he's more meticulous with his lovemaking than "my work." Doesn't say much.


Al Roker produced a documentary on childhood obesity for the Food Network. Is he going to recommend parents saw their kids' stomachs in half?

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The courts are using the same lab as Maury Povitch for Anna Nicole's baby-daddy testing. If they work this into an episode of Maury, I'll never be sad again.


Bomb threat at E! Don't get your hopes up. Seacrest wasn't in the building, and it wasn't a legit threat, anyway.


Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt avoided a plot to kidnap their latest adoptee, and extort $100 million for his return. Brad Pitt waived his armpits in the air to propel any human from further infringing on his B.O. He rarely bathes.

Ouch: Angelina Jolie got caught with the same diaper bag as Tori Spelling. I hope she stocked up on some alternatives from a Vietnamese sweat shop.


"I don't know" - Paris Hilton's response to a photographer on what her movie "The Hottie and the Nottie" is about. She could, however, name off all 50 of her lovers in the past month.


Todd Bridges isn't dead. The confusion wasn't Wikipedia-related this time. Some addict named Shawn Bridges died, and apparently they couldn't remember Todd's first name accurately?


"Yup. It feels good to not be dead and have people care about it."


Marc Anthony moved out of the way so J-Lo could have cameras all to herself before a TRL appearance. At least he knows his place.


Donald Trump slapped Vince McMahon at a Wrestlemania press conference to continue their "feud." Maybe it's not a work for the cameras. Vince could've said "Rosie's not THAT ugly," to provoke him.


The rights to O.J. Simpson's book, "If I Did It," go up for auction April 17th. They better throw some Tupperware on the auction block with it.


A friend says Nicole Kidman is pregnant. Much more reliable than her "looking pregnant" in the past.


The ancestors of the guy who tried to assassinate Hitler don't want Tom Cruise playing the movie role. They think he might try to promote Scientology with the film. They're also secretly pissed at how he ruined Katie Holmes.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Britney Spears lost 10 pounds in rehab...all in her liver.

Just before her toothache, Britney Spears' security pulled a gun on a photographer at a church. I'm still not sure what Jesus would've done if he were her security.


Cocky potential baby-daddy Larry Birkhead threw down some serious coin at Baby Gap. Maybe he's just kinky, not arrogant.


It looks like Paris Hilton is dating Josh Henderson from Desperate Housewives. Can they write his rotting genitals into the storyline?

Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton's The Simple Life taped a segment that has some screaming "Jon Benet!" Jergens stock just went up.


Star Jones went to Shaq's 35th birthday party. For the first time, she lost the weigh-in.


Diddy seems to have inherited Star's weight. Or is he just smuggling Barbara Walters under that shirt.

"You're kidding? Someone already has the name 'Fat Joe?'"


Jessica Simpson donated a minivan to a Mexican orphanage. She has been looking to adopt, but smuggling is so much easier.


Punk'd has been canceled. I can't wait until Ashton breaks it to Demi that she's been punk'd with their relationship.

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Monday, March 26, 2007

Anna Nicole didn't kill herself, and neither did anyone else. We'll have to find something else to occupy our time now.


Britney's people said it was a toothache, not a relapse, that sent her to the hospital Sunday.

Kevin Federline spent his 29th birthday with Shar Jackson, his inaugural baby mama.


A German TV network prevented John Travolta from talking about Scientology. They're holding out for a real expert, like Tom Cruise.


"Pretend I still look like this, and Scientology's responsible. Still don't want a pamphlet?"


Bruce Willis made out with Courtney Love, but didn't leave with her, on his 52nd birthday. He figured he'd already knocked himself down a couple notches with the makeout session alone.


Angelina Jolie might have to deal with her newly adopted son's heroin addict of a greedy mom. She wants money. Angelina has some.


The three Harry Potter kids have now signed on for the rest of the series. They're still working out the financial arrangements for naked horseback scenes, though.


Eminem and his ex have agreed to play nice in public for their daughter's sake. Does that exclude money made from "my wife's a bitch"-related songs?

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Friday night, Britney Spears made her first public appearance since rehab. She went to a dance class and had dinner with her girlfriends. Her vagina, meanwhile, stayed behind closed doors.


Mel Gibson to an expert on Mayan culture: "Lady, f**k off." She had challenged some of the representations in his movie Apocalypto. How insulting...he didn't even give her the obligatory salutation "sugar tits."


"How 'bout we take this outside with a bottle of tequila?"


Miss USA Tara Conner handed her crown over to its new owner, Miss Tennessee, this weekend. I hope she boiled it first.


Dina Lohan says her daughter Lindsay tries to set her up with guys in Hollywood. Jon Lovitz seems like a good fit.


The photographers involved in the "Denise Richards snatches laptops, throws them off a balcony and grazes an old woman in a wheelchair" story are suing. The old woman is still confused.


I just found out Brooke Burke named her kid "Heaven Rain." I hope these celebrities get high and come up with these names before the pregnancy.

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Thursday, March 22, 2007

Despite stories saying he'll get close to 20 million, TMZ says Kevin Federline's only gonna get about one million in his divorce from Britney Spears. And a source close to her rehab experience says Britney has become "nice as well as reasonable." Reasonable being defined as just a hair above an exposed vagina.

If you visit Britain, you won't be reading about Britney's rehab experience. The courts have blocked any publications from sharing the info. Luckily, only tabloids in Britain care about the whole experience.


Jennifer Hudson diva'd her way out of a performance for Starbucks shareholders. Her agent demanded baked chicken wings be ready for Jennifer at 10 in the morning. They didn't think it was too harsh a demand, rather, no one needs to see J-Hud downing baked chicken wings at 10 in the morning.


Idol's executive producer says the Cowell-Seacrest homoeroticism is all their own, not scripted.

Jeri Anne should be a judge for this competition: Inmate Idol at an Arizona jail.


Some German douche dropped half a million bucks on two of Anna Nicole's diaries. Unless he finds half a million worth of methadone in the binding, he got screwed.


Tori Spelling is giving herself and the rest of the population a post-birth gift. She's getting plastic surgery.

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Larry Birkhead turned in his DNA, and only if he's a match will Howard K. Stern have to do the same. And if they both match, they'll rock, paper, scissors for the baby.


Hoff was clubbin' it up in Vegas again the other night, and fans bombarded him for a photo. Luckily he doesn't realize the photos are surely for comedic purposes.


Michael Jackson went on one of his legendary shopping sprees in London. I'm not sure if he passed their credit check, though.


A woman has gone on a hunger strike until Sanjaya is voted off American Idol. Maybe it was her daughter crying her ass off during the show Tuesday.


Nicole Richie collapsed on the set of The Simple Life last week. Her health problems have been tying up production and driving Chef Boyardee out of business.


Sharon Osbourne could replace Brandy on America's Got Talent. Can she and Little Richard occupy the same space without a nuclear incident?


Naomi Campbell may get a main squeeze out of her community service. She was spotted with another janitor-type yesterday, looking quite happy.


PETA doesn't like the idea of monkeys hanging out with Miss Nevada. But we might get a new species out of it.

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Britney Spears is out of rehab and hoping to stay away. She wants her privacy, even if she's pushing her vagina up against a photographer's camera.


Scandal! Those homoerotic exchanges between Cowell and Seacrest might be scripted.


A judge has finally ordered Howard K. Stern to fork over some of his coveted DNA.


Busted! Mary-Kate Olson left a grocery store with a whole cart full of bags! Either she's eating or stocking up on musical supplies from Dillon's.


Pamela Anderson says she's not getting back with Tommy Lee, but she does want him spending time with the boys. "The girls" are off limit for now.


A photographer got a little too close to Keanu Reeves car and had to go to the hospital. That's better than having him unleash his mad jujitsu skills on you, I guess.


Halle Berry says she'll never get married again. She failed to mention whether she plans to make money doing movies again.

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Monday, March 19, 2007

Miss USA says she could be dead if it weren't for Donald Trump's intervention. It pays to not be fat or ugly to get Trump's help.


Salma Hayek is getting a lot of attention for the Supersizing of her breasts since she got knocked up.

Ripe cantaloupes


Jennifer Hudson says she isn't a diva, at least not in the bad way of being a diva.


Vivid offered Brandy's brother Ray J a four-picture deal to direct porns. He's the one that peed on Paris Hilton's friend, Kim Karadashin, on amateur porn. If he's good at directing pee during porn, why wouldn't he be good at directing porn?


Idol contestant Haley Scarnato wore the same set of hair extensions that Katherine McPhee sported last season. The hairdresser said he washed them first. Give him a break. A show like Idol surely can't afford new sets of extensions each year.


Probable baby-daddy Larry Birkhead has a stalker. She even tried to get in his car. His potent seed is irresistible to the ladies.


TMZ is calling out The Simple Life for filming multiple retakes for what's supposed to be a "reality show." Do they expect the producers to keep all the vomit footage in, too?


John Mayer bought his-and-hers Rolex watches as a gift for Jessica Simpson. The watches can tell the time, date and the rising of the sun to prevent John from melting under its anti-vampire rays.

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Angelina Jolie plans to be a stay-at-home mom for awhile.


E! says the fifth season of The Simple Life will have Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie as counselors in a fat camp. I'm sure they'll get results.


Simon Cowell regrets turning down a $100 thousand offer to critique a couple's lovemaking.

"It reminded me of some ghastly after-prom performance at a motel."


Donald Trump has now started a feud with George W. Bush. He thinks Bush is a liar. At least he's not fat and ugly like Rosie.


Star Jones hasn't talked to anyone at The View since she left the show. I'm sure they're all very upset over that.


Lindsay Lohan's dad is out of prison after serving two years. Now he can get back to being a positive role model for his daughter.


Mario Lopez is still single, but he's no Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Angelina Jolie's 3 year-old Vietnamese son's adopted name is Pax Thien Jolie. It means "Good peace" or something ridiculous like that.

Jennifer Aniston, obviously frustrated with Brangelina and their adoptive ways, is thinking about a move back to New York.


You can send your "thoughts and inspirations" to Britney Spears through her website. However, her people will screen your messages, so "keep spreading those legs" probably won't make it onto the site.

Britney's going through a case of Coke a day. Much improved from 20 lines of it.

And she may have found a new boyfriend in AA. Sounds healthy.


Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were caught looking unhappy together at his son's basketball game, and rumors are flying that Tom's looking to "retrain" Katie in the ways of Scientology. Step one: toothpick her eyes open to a screening of Battlefield Earth.


Martha Stewart spotted her sketch artist in the crowd for a taping of "Martha." Good eye.


Contrary to a Wikipedia entry, Sinbad isn't dead. Sorry to break the news.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Cocky ass: Larry Birkhead shopped at Babies 'R' Us.


Angelina Jolie is in Vietnam, presumably to pick up a kid.


Jessica Simpson wants to adopt a kid. She's copycatting Madonna copycatting Angelina. WTF?!


Don King met with the Pope. I can't wait for Pope-Tyson on Pay Per View this Fall.


"I don't tell anyone where I get my threads!"


Tori Spelling gave birth. And it looks like she made up with her mom. Did she get the placenta?


The Baha Men are $500 thousand in debt. Didn't see that coming. "Who let the creditors out?"


Hampton Shoe Vixen is offering Star Jones free shoes for life if she becomes their spokesperson. They think she could use some new shoes because of her weight loss. Are they factoring in room for the extra loose skin on her feet?


LL Cool J is pitching for Subway now. Watch out for Jared, LL!


The Enquirer says Meredith Vieira is in panic, finger-pointing mode after a ratings drop on the Today Show.


If you're wondering, Donald Trump still has a made-for-WWE feud with Vince McMahon.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Add bipolar and bulimic to Britney's problems.


Howard K. Stern still hasn't forked over his DNA.


Donald Trump says Rosie O'Donnell gets depressed by looking the the mirror.


Brad and Angelina plan to keep living in New Orleans for awhile.


An American Idol accountant says former contestant Mario Vazquez sexually harassed him. Somehow, he couldn't get out of the way as Mario ran his hand under his shirt and grabbed his junk while trying to unzip his pants.


"Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone will see I'm not gay and dismiss the suit."


Australian officials charged Sylvester Stallone with illegally importing 48 vials of human growth hormone.


Oprah's South African school doesn't allow cellphones or email.


Busted! Paparazzi caught Lohan's friend pouring vodka into her water bottle.


It's a triple bypass for Regis.


Whitney Houston is working on a new album. I hope she calls it "Did anyone see where my teeth landed?"


Police arrested Leonardo DiCaprio's bodyguards in Israel for getting in a fight with photographers. I hope they laid off the anti-Semitic tirades.


Tori Spelling and her mom are trying to work out their differences, starting with Tori's nose.


Jennifer Hudson seems like a bitch.

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Monday, March 12, 2007

Antonella Barba says those photos were for her own personal use, not for everyone else. I guess she needs a pictorial reminder of how to use the toilet.


Law & Order: Criminal Intent will do its own version of the Anna Nicole Smith story this May. James Brown's corpse will play the role of Anna Nicole's corpse.


Video of Britney and two dancers at a New York nightclub are for sale, and could hurt a potential custody battle. Do the two dancers dance inside her vagina or something?


Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were caught making out.


75-year-old Regis needs a heart bypass.


Snoop Dogg was arrested in Sweden for suspicion of being under the influence of drugs. That seems a little unfair.


Adam Sandler continues to keep Rob Schneider from becoming homeless.

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Sunday, March 11, 2007

Idol's Antonella Barba says she'll stick around L.A. for awhile to see what kind of offers she can muster. She would like singing, acting or modeling...toilets.

With Antonella and Sundance Head gone, Votefortheworst.com is encouraging viewers to keep voting for Sanjaya. Meanwhile, Simon says he'll quit if Sanjaya wins.


Maggie Gyllenhaal will take Katie Holmes' place in the next Batman. Katie is too busy with other commitment, mainly her "time in the tower."

Tom Cruise tried to convert Larry King to Scientology. They need a member who likes like an owl.


Tom Brady might be reproducing with his current girlfriend, too. His offensive attack is quite potent.


It looks like Rosie will probably hang around The View for another year.


Vegas odds are on Heather Mills losing her leg at some point during Dancing with the Stars. Whether Ian Ziering steals and pawns it isn't on the table just yet.


Jessica Simpson and John Mayer spent a couple of days in Rome together. That's his part of the deal. Her part is letting him go to Transylvania.


"I would like to thank the dark..."


A rehab facility is suing Courtney Love for an almost $200 thousand tab. Can you blame her for losing track?


Mr. Nicole Kidman says he doesn't like being called that.


Salma Hayek is pregnant.


Madonna's former nanny is writing a tell-all book, which includes such outrageous diva demands like not making noise while Madonna sleeps.

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Kevin Federline is keeping up his regular visits to Britney in rehab. Let's just hope he's rolling tape again. Or is he? The Enquirer says he's been pitching a reality show about a clueless dad trying to raise two sons.

Before her first rehab, a clothing store's employees say she had staff watch her kids while she tried on various outfits without the aid of a dressing room. And we all know what kind of tripping hazard an unleashed Brit-vag can be.


A Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes associate's been busted shopping for baby boy stuff. Creepy.


An online porn rental company has offered Idol contestant Antonella Barba $500 thousand to become their spokesperson, double the amount offered by Girls Gone Wild for similar duties. "If you like pictures of me on a toilet, you'll just love SugarDVD's unmatched rental service."


American Idol's executive producer is taking on Rosie O'Donnell for saying the show discriminates against fat black people. He pointed to Randy and Ruben as examples.


Michael Jackson says he wouldn't change a thing about his career. Why would he want to? He's molested and molested and still gets paid $3500 to shake hands.


James Brown is totally neglecting in props for destroying Anna Nicole's "not buried" time. Seventy three days dead, and he's still not fertilizing the grass from the wrong side.

No more visits to Anna Nicole's grave for awhile. Too many people have torn up the cemetery. There goes my picnic plans.


Usher or Santa?



Whitney Houston is still running around with Brandy's brother Ray-J. She's 17 years older than him and has spent most of her life with Bobby Brown. I wouldn't take her up on that offer. Although, his porn tape is set to go on sale March 21, so he's not keeping it too awful classy.


CBS fired Katie Couric's producer for her piss poor ratings. They should fire her plastic surgeon next.


Paris Hilton has portraits of herself all over her house. It may be a little self-indulgent, but at least she didn't put pictures of Nicole Richie up.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Justin Timberlake's producer/songwriter Timbaland says he and Justin are ready to bring Britney back to some kind of musical form once she becomes somewhat reasonable. Maybe JT just needs her for "Rancid box in a box."

Britney didn't take Kevin Federline's Ferrari away after all. Or he just got it out of her garage during one of her rituals.


Angelina Jolie should have her new Vietnamese boy in time for the Summer. Madonna thinks she could beat that.


Tom Cruise plans to stalk his wife at work. He'll be taking her to work on the film "Mad Money" every day when it starts filming in the next month. If she wants out of the dungeon, this is the price.
"Tom, my ankle monitor is itching again."


OJ Simpson says he had a fling with Anna Nicole Smith, and his slow moving sperm may make him the baby daddy. Keeping it classy, OJ said "I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money – or the baby herself."


Court TV has hired Star Jones to host a legal show this Fall. I smell a Nancy Grace throwdown.


President Bush's daughter Jenna is writing a book about her experiences with UNICEF. I imagine each chapter starts with "First, we picked up a bottle of Viaka."


Naomi Campbell has to clean floors at a New York City warehouse as part of her reparations to the law. Hint: it's hard to clean a floor by throwing a cell phone at individual specks of dirt.


Jennifer Aniston has a new routine. When she sees photographers, she turns around and walks backward so they can't get a shot...until she falls on her ass.


You could win a lunch date with Miss USA. Disclaimer: the Miss USA Competition isn't liable for any vomit, urine or other bodily fluid-related stains.

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Britney Spears will mark one week in rehab if she makes it to Thursday, but her family is thinking the full month might be too much to ask. A couple of days without attacking a car with an umbrella or turning into Satan might be enough.


Simon Cowell has a pretty reasonable grip on the Britney situation. "It’s very fashionable to be in rehab...We’ve allowed these people to feel sorry for themselves. I don’t know what’s going on in Britney’s head but my attitude is I couldn’t care less."


Trouble's a brewin' on the set of American Idol. TMZ says some of the female contestants have been a little catty ever since Antonella Barba's portfolio showed up online.


"And I refuse to work until Antonella comes back!"


Lindsay Lohan's mom say Lindsay is "on a great path." Hopefully the scenic path leads Lindsay's mom to a cliff.

Mel Gibson is looking into shooting a movie in Panama. This is a man dedicated to avoiding Jews at all costs.


George Bush Sr. says he didn't touch Teri Hatcher's ass. The video of the exchange "lied."


Jerry Springer on taking over as host for America's Got Talent: "I've been around some of America's most talented individuals on my talk show for the last 16 years, so I'll feel right at home."

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Monday, March 05, 2007

Pardon my filthiness, but I saw this on Yahoo's front page today and chuckled: Start the week off with roasted red snapper tonight.


Britney Spears went on a $3 thousand online-rehab shopping spree. Pretty cheap if she had to have "666" or "My toddlers are the spawns of the anti-Christ" etched onto every item. If you hadn't heard, Britney wrote "666" on her forward and called herself the anti-Christ before a weak suicide attempt this weekend.


Larry Birkhead's lawyer says there haven't been any negotiations between Howard K. Stern and Larry. However, they will "Rock, Paper, Scissors" for the next potential model-billionaire prey.


Some guy says Diddy beat him up, so he's suing. He quotes Diddy as saying "I'll smack flames out of your ass," before punching him in the face. I don't know if Diddy deserves to get sued for the only cool line he's ever come up with.


Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban spent a vacation together, constantly making out off the coast of France. And to keep you from doing the same, here's a picture:


"I'm totally kicking your ass at 'catch a loog,' Keith!"


Hasselhoff is quite the bachelor these days. He was dancing at a club in Vegas' Caesar's Palace this weekend. Could you imagine the personal glee you'd feel upon walking into a club, only to find Hasselhoff tearing it up on the dance floor?


Paris Hilton played a little celebrity poker this weekend. She may seem like an easy opponent, but you're forgetting that her "normal face" "poker face" and "O face" are all the same.


Daniel Radcliffe has officially signed on for the remaining Harry Potter movies. But, they had one hell of a time coming up with a creature for him to ride naked.


Star Jones gets to play lawyer on TV again, this time for a May episode of Law & Order: SVU.


"Cheers" mailman Cliff will take Vincent Pastore's spot on Dancing with the Stars. He'd better still have that grade-A stash working.


"Do I have norm in my stash?"


Police busted Laguna Beach prick Jason for the equivalent of an MIP. That's what that cheating asshole deserves, right girlfriends?

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Sunday, March 04, 2007

Britney Spears is reading Brooke Shields' book on post partum depression. If that doesn't take, Brooke says she would meet with Britney. If that doesn't take, maybe they'll look at putting her down.


Angelina Jolie filed adoption papers in Vietnam as a single parent.


Anna Nicole's grave has become the number one tourist site in the Bahamas. They love the exposure. I wish every day could be Anna Nicole's funeral!

Slash went to Anna Nicole's funeral.

Donald Trump says Howard K. Stern is a "total loser."


The producers for the Simple Life rushed Nicole Richie to the hospital Friday for dehydration. They tricked her into eating some, too.


Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she and Rosie are friends, despite rumors stating otherwise.


Michael Jackson spent the weekend in Japan, shaking hands for $3500 a pop. Wet naps not included.


ABC is developing a sitcom based on the Geico caveman commercials.


One of Wolfgang Puck's employees may have given Hepatitis A to some of his catering clients. The health department says high profile people were possibly exposed. I just think it'd be funny if Paris caught Hepatitis A through eating.


It must suck being Jim Belushi's kid.


"I don't like mopeds anymore, daddy."

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

John Travolta says Scientology could've saved Anna Nicole. "We could have helped her with Narconon but didn't get a chance." I wish I made that up.


Everyone got excited, thinking Britney Spears was wearing her wedding ring. After forensic examination of the picture, TMZ.com says the ring she's wearing is not her wedding band.


It only took a couple days for Bobby Brown to pay $20 thousand in back child support to get out of jail.


Kathy Griffin and Nick Carter got dinner together in front of TV cameras for the likely reality show, "Who wants to try to find the one named Nick Carter at this table?"


You know you're a complete loser when Jeff Goldblum files for a restraining order against you.


Sharon Stone passed out on a couch at a furniture store.

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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck enter catfight territory. Rosie told Elisabeth "You're very young and you're very wrong" as they were fighting over the Patriot Act.


Paris Hilton's been arrested for violating her probation, driving with a suspended license.


Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have been playing tonsil hockey all over Italy. Looks like baby-daddy-mama-drama can't keep these two lovebirds apart!


The LAPD is looking into claims that Diddy knocked some guy out after the guy wouldn't let Diddy leave a party with his fiancee.


Critics can't get enough of naked Harry Potter riding a horse on stage.


The voice of Ernie the Keebler Elf is dead.

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Antonella Barba, the reigning "Miss Nevada" of American Idol, seems to taking the bad press pretty hard. Her best friend, eliminated earlier in the competition, says "She's the least slutty person I know." I'm hoping she has some photographic evidence to back up that statement. Upload it. Then, we'll see.


Howard K. Stern might be a dirty bastard.

Where were you when you found out Anna Nicole died? Larry Birkhead was at the dentist.


Britney Spears' post-partum depression may the reason why Brit medicates with cocaine and ecstasy. Where's Tom Cruise?


Paris Hilton had an underpublicized breakup with her pet kinkajou, Baby Luv. The monkey-dog bit her too much. The government was likely behind the breakup, as they didn't want Baby Luv to contract Paris' diseases and spread them to innocent animals.


"Just a little chemical testing, that's all."


Eddie Murphy got pissed and walked out of the Oscars when he didn't win. Good.


Bobby Brown is in jail, and can't get out until he pays $20 thousand in back child support. He doesn't have that much, which some would find amusing.


Lindsay Lohan's looking good.

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Monday, February 26, 2007

Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern's lawyers have been talking about a settlement. TMZ says Stern's lawyers may have nabbed a Styrofoam cup from Birkhead during the "who gets the body" case. They're speculating that Stern's lawyers tested it for DNA and found out Larry is the father.


Sources "close to" the Britney situation say it looks like Kevin Federline wants to give their marriage a second shot. Not that she's officially in his league, it might be doable.

Daniel Baldwin says he ran into Britney Spears and told her "Don't drink. Don't use." Ouch, first Courtney Love likes your bald head, now this.


Paula Abdul and Courtney Love went to Paris Hilton's birthday party.

However, the guy who called Lohan a "firecrotch" managed to scare them both away, along with other guests. Paris cried. Human tears.


"Any everyone thinks future me has just recently gone chemical."


Jennifer Hudson joins Kelly Clarkson as an ungracious American Idol graduate. She didn't thank Idol during her Oscar speech, and barely mentioned them backstage as being part of her "trials and tribulations."


James Blunt and his supermodel girlfriend drove over the leg of some autograph-seeker. It was likely an accident. James Blunt doesn't see the big deal, as someone drives over his crotch every time he has to hit the high note in "You're Beautiful."

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Sunday, February 25, 2007

Kevin Federline visited Britney Spears in rehab.

Courtney Love thinks Britney's head shaving was pretty cool. When Courtney Love appreciates something you do, that's your cue to get into rehab.


American Idol contestant Antonella Barba is neck-and-neck with Britney Spears on Internet searches. Pictures of Antonella on the toilet, fake-lesbianing, and boob-profiling seem to be helping.

With a simple two fisted grab, Tyra proved that American Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee's boobs are real. The only thing that would've made it hotter would be if Donahue took Tyra's place.

If American Idol weren't a damaging enough experience to the tens of thousands of rejects, enjoy American Idol Summer camp.


CBS wants to hire Anna Nicole's corpse judge for a regular segment on The Early Show. The segment would be called "Morning Justice" and will run from 8:20am-a week and a half later.


Donald Trump tried to stop pregnant Access Hollywood host Nancy O'Dell from hosting the Miss USA pageant next month, but NBC overruled him. Trump doesn't like the idea of a pregnant woman hosting the show.


Rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopting from Vietnam don't seem to be true. But all this Britney-Anna distraction could help them sneak an adoption in sometime.


The FCC is fining Spanish channel Univision $24 million for not carrying the required three hours of education programming aimed at children. They're trying to trick the FCC into thinking the soap operas are educational, but it doesn't seem to be taking. I'm not joking.

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Britney Spears is in rehab for the third time in the last week. She went back to stop Kevin Federline's motion for an emergency custody hearing.

Former potential nannies for Britney say she made it clear she wanted a nanny who was cool with her being naked all the time. That explains it. Her vagina must've gotten caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Anna Nicole sent a message to Britney six months before Anna died, looking for friendship. It didn't pan out. So, Anna could've taken Britney with her? Damn.


Bobby Trendy, Anna Nicole's former interior designer, hopes Larry Birkhead is the baby daddy because he's hotter than Howard K. Stern.


Grey's Anatomy homophobe Isaiah Washington says he won't be killed off the show, because the show wants to give people what they want: crappy writing and tension between actors.


Thanks to Power Hits afternoon host Matt McBain for pointing me to this story on the Wii at nursing homes. The picture is more important than the story.


Mii ID: "Snap-Crackle Pops."


Donald Trump wants to be buried on one of his golf courses in Jersey. Maybe they could fashion one of his orifi into a hole on the course.

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Britney is out of a one-day rehab stint again, and even tried to get another tattoo on her way home. I'm telling you, those eyebrows are coming off.

It looks like Kevin Federline may be behind Britney's rehab and baldness, after all. Several sources say he threatened to get a hair sample to prove exactly what's been flowing through her veins.

Britney haters, pushed over the edge by her bald head, have been flooding the child services hotline in California.

It's not clear why, but Britney Spears has hired Mel Gibson's lawyer. I smell a drunken, anti-Semitic tirade coming.


It looks like Michael Jackson may seriously be considering a permanent freakshow in Vegas, asking Prince for some pointers.


Tom Brady's current supermodel girlfriend isn't letting his pregnant ex get him down. TMZ says she still wants to get married, and so does Tom.


Lindsay Lohan was spotted leaving a hotel with Steve-O. Maybe he's helping her with her substance problems?


Rosie O'Donnell couldn't crack a natural smile if her life depended on it:




Daniel Baldwin says he's innocent, and the fact that he's currently driving the alleged stolen car proves it. He then went off on how much he pays in taxes. I didn't know he made any money to be taxed, or had any money to pay any taxes.


Heather Mills will be on Dancing with the Stars when it starts back up in March. That's just cruel.


Ruben Studdard is telling kids to stay fit and not end up like him. He's lost 100 pounds, but he still has traces of Justin Guarini in his lower intestine.


J. Lo will perform on the April 11th American Idol. I guess they're sick of record-high ratings.

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Oops, Britney Spears is in rehab again. I guess she'll just have eyebrows left to shave in celebration when she gets out again.

The salon where Britney chopped her hair off thinks it was a publicity stunt. Seals everywhere have been barking their approval ever since.


Donald Trump may become Britney's twin after Wrestlemania April 1st. He and Vince McMahon will each pick a wrestler. The loser gets his head shaved. I expect to see Brutus the Barber Beefcake for this.


"I also want Britney crotch duty."


During a break in the "who gets Anna Nicole's body" trial, Howard K. Stern received a subpoena for his DNA in Larry Birkhead's paternity suit. Stern's lawyers said "no fair!"

Great news: the Anna Nicole judge dreams of his own court show on TV. He's no Ito.

Feel bad for Anna Nicole's corpse? This should make you feel better: James Brown finally gets buried. Hopefully no one lights a match close to his body before they get him in the ground.


Nicole Richie pleaded "not guilty" to DUI.


Lindsay Lohan seems sober.


A judge has ordered O.J. Simpson to turn over his book earnings to the Goldman family. Or use it for golf.

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Monday, February 19, 2007

Britney Spears lied to a photographer before she got her haircut. He told her he liked her new brown hair. She said "Thanks, I think I'm going to keep it this way."

OMFG! Separated at birth:




Britney's wearing a blonde wig to cover up her baldness. I can't even tell it's a wig!


"I got it at Spencer's Gifts!"


Britney's mom is on a mission to get Britney back on track. I'm guessing a call to Federline should do the trick.


Rosie has a haiku invitation for Britney to come live with her family. Shaving your head will only get the lesbians more riled up for you, Brit.


Paris Hilton's taking some flack for red blotches on her chest and a sloppy makeup job over the weekend. She does still have hair, though.


Bridget Moynahan says Tom Brady is the baby daddy of her unborn child.

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Sunday, February 18, 2007

Britney Spears checked into rehab for one day, got all better, added some tats and went bald. Let's see Anna Nicole's corpse top that!

At the tattoo parlor, Britney explained that she shaved her head because she was sick of people touching her. I thought she got confused where her vagina was, but this makes more sense.


"I'm the next Sinead, bitches!"

Without naming her, Justin Timberlake called out Britney Spears at the Brit Awards Wednesday night. "Everyone have a great night. Stop drinking! You know who you are. I'm speaking to you. You are going to get sloppy." The message didn't get through.


Sylvester Stallone couldn't have debuted his mullet at a better time. He's allegedly sporting the "do" in preparation for Rambo IV.


"It makes my eyebrows less offensive."


Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz were caught making "non-touching nice" at a hotel bar in Hollywood.


Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas has made the mistake of thinking Michael Jackson will pay him after they're done working on Michael's new CD. If Michael ends up paying, I'm guessing it will be in the form of the love he shows a child: free rides!


The View says everything's cool and no one's going anywhere.


The inventor of the TV remote is dead. Think about that when you're oiling up your remote with Dorrito crumbs.

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Thursday, February 15, 2007

A man convicted of making terrorist threats against Anna Nicole Smith has sent a letter to the tabloids saying he could be the baby daddy as Anna took a sperm sample from them when they dated. Odder: the letter looks to have been written in crayon.

Two years ago, Anna Nicole and Howard K. Stern pitched a reality show focusing on Anna's search for a husband. If only the networks said "yes," we might be able to watch her gruesome demise on E! Dammit.

A Florida judge wants enough DNA from Anna Nicole to counter a "baby switching plot." I hope the soap writers are all taking notes of this whole thing.

Former Anna fashion consultant Bobby Trendy says Anna Nicole, and her genitals, will be missed.


Despite attending his wedding, Jim Carey says Tom Cruise was "the big joke" of last year. At least Tom didn't have to die to get the distinction.


It's about time: news from the "astronauts are psycho" scandal. One of her plans was to bury the other astronaut alive.


A Paris Hilton autograph appearance at a mall in Vienna, Austria, ended after fans through a variety of objects on stage. They threw lipstick, tissues and cigarettes. No viles of penicillin, though.


Donald Trump is the new K-Fed, as he has an ongoing, on-screen feud with the WWE's Vince McMahon. You don't want to see Donald's "Rosie gut buster, " Mr. McMahon.


Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards spent Valentine's together with their two girls. Kinky reunion.


Heather Mills McCartney must not be planning on getting much from Paul in the divorce. She was caught at a flea market bargaining for second-hand electronics. Mainstream stores wanted an arm and a leg, and she only had one to give.


TMZ.com has finally helped me put my finger on John Mayer's new look, asking viewers if they notice the resemblance to Edward Scissorhands.



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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Anna Nicole's nanny says Anna Nicole underfed her Dannielynn so her baby would be "sexy." Just as long as she didn't violate her TRIMSPA contract by giving the baby Slimfast, I'm cool.

One of Anna Nicole's doctor friends prescribed Methadone to Anna Nicole through a false name while she was eight months pregnant. If I find out he's behind the Worcester sauce in her fridge, I'm going f'n ballistic.

The courts have decided to release Anna Nicole's body, but they don't know who her legal next of kin is. David Gest?

"If I could get aroused in the company of human women, I could be the baby daddy."


Howard K. Stern can't leave the Bahamas with the baby until the legal situation gets cleaned up. For some reason, they think it will be safer for the baby to stay in the Bahamas with Howard.


Michael Richards had no comment for paparazzi asking for his thoughts on Anna Nicole Smith. If she were black, however...


Michael Jackson went on a toy shopping spree with his kids in Vegas. Instead of masks, they wore face paint. I'm not joking.


Lindsay Lohan is working again. No word just yet on her liver.


Girls Gone Wild has a new clothing line. Did they just cut out the middle man and put two holes on the front of the shirts?


Heather Mills McCartney kicked a photographer in the ass with her wooden leg, while filming all the action. I guess even she gets the hilarity in it.


I can't wait to get my spring loaded Heather Mills action-kick doll.


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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Anna Nicole is involved in a new custody suit: the one for her body. Her mom wants to bury Anna Nicole, but two court orders prevent her body from getting out of the fridge.

One of Anna Nicole's bodyguards says he could be the baby daddy. At this point, don't you need to have some kind of serious crotch rot to be in contention as the father?

A TRIMSPA executive says Anna Nicole would be in trouble for having Slim-Fast in her refrigerator, if it weren't for the fact that she's dead. They'll probably keep their bitching to a minimum.


Isaac Cohen is adding to rumors that Britney and him dated to make K-Fed jealous. I guess a new boyfriend is the next step to making an ex jealous, just after putting your vagina in every paper he flips through for the pictures.


Rumors place Michael Jackson as a guest and mentor for a week on American Idol. Aren't those kids a little too old to be working with Michael?


The least freaky Olson twin is responsible for the least freaky Olson twin photo in the last year, and it's still a bit odd. She's doing some kind of weird exercise routine.


"Coulier taught me this move."


Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie did an advertising shoot together at a jewelry store in Beverly Hills Monday. It's not clear how many hours it took to decontaminate the store after their departure.

Ivanka Trump is sick of comparisons to Paris Hilton. Ivanka says she works hard for her money, including 13-hour days. Paris just needs 10 minutes and an ever-decreasing amount of KY.


Vince Vaughn attended Jennifer Aniston's 38th birthday party. Was he looking to inspect her new nose before passing on her again?


For some reason, Diddy was yelling at Naomi Campbell at a Grammy party. Even more shocking: she didn't throw a Blackberry at him.


TurboTax has hired Vanilla Ice to promote their software. When K-Fed's too expensive, there's always Vanilla Ice.

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Monday, February 12, 2007

Howard K. Stern may be getting $1 million for his interview with Entertainment Tonight.

Police in the Bahamas reinterviewed Stern Monday morning about the death of Anna Nicole's son.

Nothing like dying to get people working on your legal problems. A newspaper in the Bahamas published these photos of Anna Nicole and the Bahamas' immigration minister.




Britney Spears partied so hard she puked all over her car this weekend. Should've gone with the soft tacos.


Paris BFF Kim Kardashian may have had her sex tape partner tossed out of pre-Grammy party she hosted.


John Mayer's hands victimized Jessica Simpson's various PG bodyparts at the Grammys.


"Watch out for the fangs, Jess!"


Diddy had to have uncloseted Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight and a couple castmates removed from his V.I.P. area Friday night. You could blame Diddy's homophobia if it weren't for Diddy having no clue who he was.


Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown had dinner together Sunday night. Monday, she went to the doctor because she fell into a door.


Tara Reid doesn't want anything to do with Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis after he said she's terrible in bed. Or maybe it's because he turns his camera off when she flashes for a T-Shirt.


Hulk Hogan's wife says their daughter Brooke will be taking over Paris Hilton's spot as queen of the night life in Hollywood. Will she be taking over the Pharmacy Queen title too?

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Sunday, February 11, 2007

Inside Anna Nicole's Refrigerator of Death: Slimfast, yogurt and methadone. I guess we can rule out "spoiled methadone" as a cause of death.

Recent plastic surgery may have killed her, instead. Queen of Anna Nicole Knowledge Rita Cosby says Anna Nicole had her boobs redone.

Howard K. Stern is mourning, but happy to take cash for interviews, if you've got it.

Anna Nicole's baby daddy could be Howard, Larry Birkhead, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband or even her old dead husband, thanks to frozen sperm.


"One down. One to go, Daniellynn."


Good luck getting a hotel where Anna Nicole died. They've locked it down to ensure this story gets us much unnecessary attention as possible.


Rosie O'Donnell can get press when she doesn't even try. She bashed Anna Nicole on The View just hours before she died.





The head of Cartoon Network resigned thanks to a bunch of morons scared of Lite Brights.


Thank God Anna Nicole's death hasn't stopped Paris Hilton from shopping. Are those bags filled with Valtrex, Paris?


Lindsay Lohan's mom says Lindsay is happy in rehab. Maybe it's all the drinking.


Human Rights First says more torture is happening in Iraq, and it's all because Jack Bauer makes it look cool. Nice.


Kevin Costner will be a father all over again. Then he'll shoot a crappy movie.


"Norbit," starring multiple Eddie Murphys, was the number one movie this weekend. Only heartless sons-of-bitches would see a movie after Anna Nicole's untimely demise. No surprise they chose this one.

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith collapsed and died at the Hardrock Motel in Florida. Nothing makes you feel bad about making fun of and/or suing someone than them dying on you. She was 39.


No hard feelings between Britney Spears and male model Isaac Cohen. Now they're saying he ended the relationship because their schedules never line up.

Britney's not wasting time, having been linked to JC Chasez and whoever's hand is in this picture. And she's not a lesbian.


"Just getting my butthole flossed, that's all."


Britney Spears and Paris Hilton both canceled appearances at Fashion Week to avoid running into each other. Paris is sick of asking for her Valtrex back.


Nicole Richie told Paris she's scared of going to jail for her second DUI arrest. Paris told her everything was going to be fine. Then Paris took steel wool to her own vagina.


You won't see Paris BFF Kim Kardashian get peed on after all. The porn company says that scene won't be in the release.


Justin Timberlake has started performing his "Dick in a Box" routine on stage.


Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow were caught hanging out at one of their favorite restaurants.


Jessica Simpson's new brown hair made it easy for her to go unnoticed by cameras the other night. Or maybe they realized she was Jessica Simpson and no longer worth wasting film on.

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Miss USA returned to work for Donald Trump Tuesday. She's modeling for his new catering company. She won't comment on the Donald-Rosie feud, but you have to imagine Rosie is steamed about Trump moving in on her territory: food.


Check out Britney's new hat.

"I can guard something Russian now, right?"


Britney was partying with former Timberlake 'N Sync partner JC Chasez, and had the DJ stop a Justin Timberlake song and start something different. Snap.

She may be testing JC, as she's no longer together with Isaac Cohen. He broke up with her on the phone, and says she was a "bit much" for his liking. Or was he speaking of the black hole between her legs?


You'll be able to see Paris Hilton BFF Kim Kardashian in all her urinal glory after all. Porn company Vivid has bought and will release "Kim Kardashian Superstar." It'll be like Jesus Christ Superstar except no singing, no Jesus and more body parts.


President Bush Senior had lunch with Teri Hatcher Tuesday. He even snuck in a kiss on the cheek and a little pat on the ass. Bill Clinton just went soft.


While filming in Detroit, Daniel Baldwin says a warrant for his arrest "isn't true." Lying piece of paper.


Tori Spelling gave Tupperware and the Kama Sutra Weekender Kit to guests at her baby shower. For those times when you need fresh bodily fluid souvenirs from the bedroom, Tupperware and the Kama Sutra Weekender Kit are there.


Weird-face girl from American Idol was arrested in August for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank.

"Cheese."

Paula Abdul was supposed to star in her own reality show. Paula killed the show because she couldn't have editorial control. I just can't imagine what Paula would want to censor from the public.


I just noticed Reba's been on for ten minutes while I've been writing this. I'm off to the therapist.

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Anna Nicole and TRIMSPA are being sued. TRIMSPA for being bogus. Anna Nicole for pitching it and making it look like you could totally catch a buzz using it.


Mike Tyson is at the same rehab facility as Lindsay Lohan. She's still the worse resident, somehow.


Tom Cruise has been talking to Ben Stiller about doing "The Hardy Men" together. After their done with that, maybe they could try doing a movie about grownup versions of "The Hardy Boys."


Paris Hilton will be at the upscale Vienna's Opera Ball next week. After leaving, a new STD strain known as Paris Opera Ball will emerge.


Scarlet Johannson and Justin Timberlake spent the weekend partying at the Super Bowl. Justin's spent the days since applying ointment.


O.J. Simpson says there were some inaccuracies in "how I would have done things" in his unreleased book, "If I Did It." I would start with the word "If."


Miss USA and Miss Teen USA shared a runway this weekend. No word whether they shared each others' runways again.


Kevin Federline looks far less annoying when he hangs out with Steve-O.


"You go knock that chick up, and I'll staple my sack to my leg."


There's a warrant out for Daniel Baldwin. He failed to appear for car theft charges and behavior unbecoming a Baldwin.


Cuba Gooding Jr. has dropped the N-word twice in the last two weeks. Racist. If he weren't black, I'd say he was just like Michael Richards.


Who knew astronauts had such a soap opera-like flair for the dramatic? One female astronaut, who was in space a year ago, stalked another female astronaut over some Navy Commander. She even sprayed some mace into the woman's car. Astronaut cat fight. Nice.

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Monday, February 05, 2007

Britney Spears spent the weekend at Fashion Week, observing...not vagina flashing.


They didn't catch her drinking, but TMZ.com found Lindsay Lohan barhopping with Paris Hilton this weekend.


I'm not sure why we needed confirmation on this, but Ron Jeremy says he did indeed show his schlong to Paris Hilton.


An Israeli-Palestinian peace group is trying to get Rosie and Trump to come to their gala to put their differences behind them. Or at least build a fence.


Katie Holmes was caught wearing Granny panties.




Jennifer Aniston's nose job is now being explained away as a fix for a deviated septum. But what will fix her deviated heart?


Kiefer Sutherland admits he is friends with Andy Dick. Move over, Miss USA!


Jessica Simpson as the designated driver sounds pretty frightening.

By the way, it looks like Jessica is set to ruin Christina Aguilera with her friendship.

And Jessica was a little hurt when Nick started dating within three weeks of their breakup.


Chris Tucker's making $25 million for Rush Hour 3. That's annoying to me.

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Sunday, February 04, 2007

Britney Spears has been wearing her boyfriend's Star of David necklace, leading some to speculate on a conversion to Judaism. She likes the word "kosher."

Kevin Federline demanded a room upgrade in Miami for the Super Bowl. He said his hotel room wasn't big enough for all his women. He would also need an industrial strength air pump for all his women.

Kevin even got to go to Lebron James' Super Bowl party. No word on if he brought queso or reefer.

K-Fed's friends say Britney's been calling Kevin, trying to get back together with him. Kevin's friends also say Kevin is the most popular rapper in the country. They are also high.


Katie Holmes says she loves calling Tom Cruise her husband. She also likes being locked in a room 23 hours a day.


Justin Timberlake will host the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards at the end of March. Maybe he'll perform and rip the crotch out of Spongebob's square pants.



Paris' current BFF, Kim Kardashian, admits the existence of a sex tape. However, she says it won't be released. It features her and Brandy's brother, who doesn't go around slamming his car into people.

Meanwhile, a judge has blocked ParisExposed.com, a website that's somehow managed to find even more slutty information on Paris, including medical records.


Tupperware through Tori Spelling's baby shower. I'm as confused as you.


David Spade and Heather Locklear aren't together anymore. But it'll be years before his taint wears off Heather Locklear.

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

Michael Jackson's kids were walking around without masks in Vegas yesterday. Seems like the right place to do it.


Miss USA won't be posing for Playboy. They can probably PhotoShop her various body parts together for something similar, though.


Rather than wear something reasonable, Britney Spears cups her nips to hide them from cameras.


"Could someone stop that baby from crying?"


Taco Bell wants Kevin Federline to come work for an hour in one of its stores. Everyone who comes will get free food. Last year, Kevin said his kids would have to work for Taco Bell one day, regardless of how rich they are. Oddly, Kevin may have to work there because of how rich he is.


Courtney Love will not be on American Idol in any way. One of her vomit piles was scheduled to make an appearance during the Seattle tapings, but ended up on the cutting room floor.


Lindsay Lohan has opted out of a movie role so she can focus on taking frequent breaks from rehab.


I don't think Bob Saget looks like that proud of a TV Father in this picture.


"Love that Joker!"

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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

If you can turn it into a powder, Miss USA has probably had it up her nose. That's what she's supposed to tell Matt Lauer on Thursday's Today.


Star Magazine says Federline turned down a $25 million divorce settlement from Britney. That doesn't even cover the damages his image has suffered from wrecking her vag.


Courtney Love will not be replacing Paula Abdul on American Idol. They would likely go with someone LESS chemically challenged if they replaced Paula.


"Sing any Nirvana song, and you write a check to me."


Isaiah Washington is out of homophobe rehab and back on the Grey's Anatomy set.


TMZ.com has sources who say Sienna Miller and Diddy didn't do the diddy.


Seeking privacy, Brad Pitt had conversations with every photographer stationed outside his mansion. Didn't take.


Anna Kournikova is the spokesperson for the "Got breakfast?" campaign, an initiative from the Federal School Breakfast program. I would think her a better fit for the "Got Milk?" ads.

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Isaac Cohen, a Britney Spears chaser, bought seven pairs of panties. Maybe he's just using Britney so he doesn't have to see her giner in the papers anymore.


"Brit, move your hands, hon. We can't get a shot."


You can watch Kevin Federline's Super Bowl ad here. Pretty good. Now he can go away.


OMG! You can almost kinda see the start of Paris Hilton's ass crack in this picture!


"I think Nicole Richie's stuck between the cheeks!"




Ex-Miss Nevada is now current Miss Jet Las Vegas 2007 for Jet nightclub and partied until at least 4 am. Hooray. Now if she'd just take her top off and makeout with Celine Dion.


Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban had sushi together Monday night, meaning everything's cool.


Andy Dick tried to get in Kiefer Sutherland's limo the other night. Denied. Kiefer doesn't have a coke problem just yet, otherwise Andy might have succeeded.


Here's why I don't let myself be photographed naked next to a horse:


"That horse puts you to shame, Harry."

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Monday, January 29, 2007

Britney Spears has been trying to get a hold of Justin Timberlake, but he's not answering her calls. No reunion? Might have something to do with her crotch looking like it gave birth to a watermelon.

Or maybe he's holding out for Lance Bass. Lance just updated his status to "single" on MySpace, and has JT's "What Goes Around" as his profile song.


Lindsay Lohan is scaring people away from rehab. One of the rehabees left the center and said Lindsay ruined everyone else's rehab fun.


Isaiah Washington wasn't at the Screen Actors Guild Award with his Grey's Anatomy cast mates. Did anyone check Fred Phelps' place.


Uh oh, Diddy dropped Jude Law's ex off at her place Sunday morning. The, he did the "stand-there-and-stare of shame."


"Uh...We was just stayin' up late, reminiscin' bout Biggie, that's all."


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Sunday, January 28, 2007

Katie Holmes turned down $2 million for a Batman sequel, and will instead accept $250 thousand for a role in "Mad Money," a comedy. I think she's cool on money for awhile, so don't worry too much.


J. Lo on Scientology: "It's weird people want to paint it in a negative way...It's just sad that people would look at it in that way." Same goes for Gigli. By the way, it looks like her dad's been a Scientologist for almost 20 years.


TMZ.com says the following photo is the first proof of the existence of the second Federline child. Or a loaf of bread.




Jennifer Aniston might have a new nose, and she's not happy with her plastic surgeon for talking to the tabloids.

The Enquirer says Jen plans on adopting two kids. Why does that sound familiar?


Lindsay Lohan's rehab-mates are annoyed with all the special treatment and extra recesses for Lohan.


Jessica Biel flew out to hang out with Justin Timberlake, and they may have done "the deed" to some degree.


Armed and Famous got its Latoya Jackson handed to it by American Idol and won't be back until the Summer. I'm not aware of what programing will replace it, or could possibly be worth pissing away more than this one.


Michael Jackson, in a phone interview, says he's in the U.S., but he won't say where. Probably in some pubescent's bed.


Mary-Kate Olson needs a bigger purse to hide behind.


"Didn't Han Solo give that fur to Luke in Empire Strikes Back? Where are the guts?"

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Nicole Kidman went to the hospital as a precautionary measure after she was involved in an accident in a stunt car on a movie set. I'm confused.


Miss USA will do her first post-rehab interview February 1. I hope she pukes on Roker.


The Grey's Anatomy cast is giving Isaiah Washington the shun treatment.


Lindsay Lohan took a break from rehab for lunch with her friends.


Jessica Simpson may be using John Mayer to get back at Nick Lachey. I'm still not sure what John's using her for.


Cameron Diaz went golfing with that surfer guy she's been seeing. Things must be getting serious if he's sport-jumping for her.


TMZ.com reports that Marky Mark had a salad and a bottle of vitamin water by himself.


Keith Urban's ready to return to music. The cocaine will come naturally.

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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Kevin Federline has been telling Britney Spears to get into rehab for the sake of the kids. Ouch.


Isaiah Washington has gone into homophobe therapy. First lesson: tolerating highlights on men.


Paris' little sister Nicky was overheard telling Paris to "just walk in a straight line." They'll work on puking in a straight line at a later date.


Jessica Simpson is riding with John Mayer on his tour bus. She'll rub her "suck" off on him if it's the last thing she does.


I hope this doesn't spell doom for their planned makeout session on "Dirt," but the Enquirer says Jennifer Aniston is pissed at Courteney Cox for being nice to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.


A restaurant trade association is upset about a Superbowl spot starring Kevin Federline as a fast food worker. Their employees are much more qualified than K-Fed.


Mandy Moore is dating Nicole Richie's ex. A couple fingers down the throat and she'll surely be his dream girl.


Dustin Diamond is trying to get more free stuff than Gary Coleman at the Sundance Film Festival. If he loses, he can always draw a nice mustache on Gary's face while he sleeps.


Sharon Stone hasn't been wearing her bra. I'm glad to see she's doing her part in spread the message of abstinence to children.


Frankie Muniz is sporting a new badass haircut and "don't 'f' with me" strut.


"Jane Kaczmarek can eat my ass."


Rachel Ray said Oprah "obviously has problems being black" in reference to a photo that depicts Oprah with slavery whip marks simulated on her back.


Rumors swirl that Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are more than just friends.


George Lopez says Jay Leno is a terrible interviewer and a two-face. No double-chin yet. That would be devastating.

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Watch out! Rumors are swirling that Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox are going to at least have a makeout session on the season finale of Courteney's F/X drama "Dirt."


It seems as if Lindsay Lohan can take breaks from rehab whenever she wants.


Anna Nicole has found a new shanty in the Bahamas.

Here's something odd: an instant message exchange between Anna Nicole and Larry Birkhead, potential baby-daddy. TMZ.com changed the screen names, so don't waste your time trying to get Anna Nicole to your place.

Anna Nicole quit trash me at the casino
Larry not at a casino
Anna Nicole go f**k my mom to
Anna Nicole Yall are sick
Larry show up for the test with the baby\
Anna Nicole don't think so
Anna Nicole u wish
Larry everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole in your dreams


A porn peddler is trying to get Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson to participate in "Virgin Territory," a project aimed at devirginizing people. There aren't too many other details, but I'm wondering if each woman gets a scorecard.


Tara Reid got sandwiched by Akon and one of his band members, "Night at the Roxbury"-style. TMZ.com has the awkward video.


"My areola's been restored, and TWO men are touching me!"




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Monday, January 22, 2007

Paris Hilton has decided to stop fighting her DUI case and pleaded "no contest." She has to pay $1500 and go to an alcohol education program. Or teach it.


Anna Nicole Smith's lawyers are trying to avoid a Tuesday deadline for a paternity test.

Meanwhile, she lost her case against the dude who wanted his house back in the Bahamas. They'll fumigate the house, then her vagina.


Tara Reid showed up at the Sundance Film Festival. Maybe she thought she could enter film of her old areola as some kind of art piece.


Johnny Depp has an old school electric chair in his living room. So that's how he gets his hair to do that.


Kate Moss helped push a Mercedes out of the mud. Then she did a celebratory line off the hood.


Paris Hilton was caught leaving her house with a pillow. No word on who's love stain was planted on it moments later.


Billy Ray Cyrus will be on Dancing with the Stars. I wonder which star they'll pair him with.


Some PETA members snuck into an audition for J. Lo's reality series "Glow After Dark." On stage, one yelled out "J. Lo, fur ho." J. Lo corrected them, saying her title should always come first.


Ashlee Simpson says she likes that people pay more attention to Jessica than her in public. She can plan on keeping it that way.


Mike Tyson says he has nothing to do with the bags of coke cops found on him during his DUI arrest. No comment on the half-eaten Lennox Lewis spawns in the trunk.


Isaiah Washington met with gay rights groups to apologize, and say "I would never call you all a bunch of faggoty fag fag fags."


Keith Urban has sent a video message to fans thanking them for their support during his rehab. It may not sound like much until you think about how much time he had to spend getting dried-up vomit off the camera lens.

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Sunday, January 21, 2007

Britney Spears reads US Weekly to catch up on what she does while wasted. Nice floral outfit.


"Those damn zoom lenses could make anyone's vagina look wretched!"


Kevin Federline took in a Justin Timberlake concert. Fifteen women left the show pregnant.

Justin Timberlake didn't dump Diaz to get back together with Britney. He's fine with her being trashy by herself.


Ex-Miss Nevada says she was so blitzed she doesn't even remember putting an assortment of nipples into her mouth in front of cameras.


Halle Berry's remodelers are only allowed to talk to her if she talks to them first. She's probably sick of hearing how hard Catwoman blew. Even from immigrants.


Orville Redenbacher lives! One of the creepiest things I've ever seen.





Speaking of zombies, there's a rumor going around that Bob Ross will rise from the dead for his own game on the Nintendo Wii, although it looks like they're looking for a new developer already.


"Unbutton your shirt to your belly, roll a doobie, and break out the pthalo blue."

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Britney hit up a hamburger joint in West Hollywood for some nachos. She thanked the cooks and even offered to "work in your kitchen one night," without even asking about the pay.


It looks like Lohan is in for a full 30-day rehab.

The guy who called Lohan a firecrotch played a key role in getting her into treatment.


Paris Hilton's taking her acting career seriously. She hasn't been partying, while filming 10 hours a day for "The Hottie and the Nottie." Even her crotch scabs are starting to heal over.


Both Simpson sisters are on Donald's good side. Photographers spotted them at the launch party for Trump Vodka. Rosie will never forgive them for stiffing her "I like eating cupcakes" party to attend Trump's function.


One of Nicollette Sheridan's male buddies got into an argument with a photographer. The photographer told the guy to keep his hands to himself if he didn't want to get hurt. I'd hate to see the bloody mess the paparazzi would've become had he been talking to Nicollette's fiance, Michael Bolton.

"I simply put on a little 'Soul Provider,' and she slides right off the couch."


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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

GLAAD isn't happy that Grey's Anatomy's Isaiah Washington used the word "faggot" again to say that he didn't say "faggot" in the first place. Meanwhile, his castmates say he did say "faggot." Both times.


Paris Hilton's current BFF, Kim Kardashian, doesn't deny the existence of a sex tape depicting her and Brandy's brother doing some dirty, barely sub-Screech things. As TMZ.com says, "it's a pisser." Isn't a little early in the BFFship for upstaging?

Important nugget: "Kim Kardashian, who has a fashion consulting business, is the daughter of OJ Simpson's late attorney and best buddy, Robert Kardashian." How long before we see "If I drank it" on the shelves?


Nicole Richie had a plate of nachos AND a soda.


You can let the children out again, Britney Spears' rep says she isn't pregnant.


Is Paula Abdul going to be smashed for every episode of American Idol again? Here's her little drunk-seeming TV interview everyone's talking about, if you haven't seen it:




J. Lo and Marc Anthony were caught in the middle of a late night McDonald's run. Watching Gigli makes one hungry for 2 for $1 apple pies.


"Hi. I'm Marc Anthony! Remember me?"

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have finally confirmed their breakup.


Good sign: Britney's manager is carrying the kid.


"...and then this little chihuahua fell out of my vagina."


Madonna is on Rosie's side in the Trump feud. So I guess that's a point for Trump.

Trump says Star Jones called to congratulate him on his feud with Rosie. Point for Rosie.


David Beckham signed a five year, $250 million contract to play with the L.A. Galaxy in Major League Soccer. I'm still not sure how the five people in attendance will offset that kind of cash.


Paula Abdul will serve as executive producer for "Bratz: The Movie." She'll probably be drunk or high.


Tara Reid got to swim with a dolphin at Sea World.


Mini Me is in rehab.

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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Donald Trump might want to consider shutting up.

Rosie and Barbara humiliated him on the latest "View."

All he could come back with was calling Barbara a "sad figurehead dominated by a third-rate comedian."

Trump and Conan had a little awkward exchange of their own Tuesday night.


Paula Abdul says Simon Cowell saved her ass when contestant Corey Clark said he had done the dirty with Paula. "There's the times when he's like a big brother – or a lover." Creepy.


Mike Tyson had just escaped from rehab when he got busted for DUI and cocaine possession. Police followed the trail of earlobes belonging to rehab security guards.


"I'll eat rehab's children!"


The Enquirer says Lohan may have permanent liver damage from drinking. Doctors discovered the problem during her appendectomy. They opened her up and her liver was smoking a cigarette.


Tom Crusie and Katie Holmes have 24 hour security around Suri, fearing an abduction plot. But who would dare challenge the spawn of Tom?


Courteney Cox says she'll have Jennifer Aniston guest star on her new F/X tabloid drama "Dirt." Like Jennifer has any relevant experience. F'ing cronyism.

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are Mr. Blackwell's worst dressed celebrities. I didn't know two women could make the list. Or does he count Britney's vagina as its own species?


"Is that your crotch-rot smell or mine?"


Britney hung out with a sailor this weekend. And now it looks like sake was to blame for her New Year's pass out.


Paris pleaded not guilty to her DUI charge. Not guilty by reason of sluttyness?


Rosie's winning. The View's ratings are up since her feud with Trump started. The Apprentice got it's ass kicked Sunday night by Desperate Housewives, Cold Case, and just barely edged out Family Guy reruns.

Meanwhile, Donald sent a letter to Rosie (must read). He explains more things that Barbara Walters said about Rosie. The good news: he refers to Kelly as Rosie's "wife." It looks like he is trying to make The View implode. Stay strong Joy Behar.


Suzanne Somers' house in Malibu burned down. I'm betting an overheated ThighMaster got it started.


CBS turned down the opportunity to have a porn site pay $50 million for a SuperBowl ad.

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Monday, January 08, 2007

Britney Spears got paid $400 thousand for her little pass-out fest New Year's Eve.


It's quite possible Paris Hilton has never pumped a gallon of gas in her life. Before sending some photographer off to get her some gas, she said "how much is gas?"

Tourists regular gather outside Paris' house. Or they think it's a brothel.


Screech may have had a peen double in his little porn video. I'm guessing Elizabeth Berkley.


Anna Nicole Smith made the most of a photo op with Hulk Hogan.


"We should trade bras sometime, Hulkie!"


Nicole Richie went on a vacation to Mexico. I'm guessing she won't be back after finding no decent bathroom to vomit in.


Rosie did her typical boring Trump rant, but Trump didn't even drop her name in his appearance on the Regis program.


Angelina Jolie doesn't love Shiloh as much as her adopted kids. "I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they're survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her." Let's just hope Shiloh doesn't get her hands on this month's "Elle U.K." magazine.

Angelina also thinks Madonna broke the law when she bought herself a kid. Apparently you have to be with a man who hasn't bathed in 17 days to adopt a kid from Africa.


Nick Lachey isn't quite ready to ask Vanessa Minnillo to be his wife. I would hope he plans to do so before he stops being famous completely.

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Sunday, January 07, 2007

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have a temporary custody agreement through the end of January. He can spend time with the kids from noon-4 p.m. every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at Britney's house. Federline translation: liquor cabinet! Cartoons!

Britney is still partying it up. Her vaginometer must be on high alert, though. Still no photos.

Britney's record label says it isn't dropping her.


Paris Hilton's Bentley ran out of gas, and a paparazzi offered to help. Once we can get some decent crotch-boil powered cars around here, she won't have to worry about that.


Nicole Kidman may or may not look pregnant, but she does shop pregnant. She bought a $400 diaper bag. Maybe Tom is coming to visit the kids.


Oprah Winfrey was the target of a $1.5 million extortion plot. Some dude said he had sensitive recordings of conversations with one of Oprah's people. Is someone blabbing about the secret Gayle King-Jesus Juice room again?


Tara Reid's ass, courtesy TMZ.com:

"Unintelligible Jaba-the-Hutt speak."

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie dropped $8 thousand a night on a place in the Virgin Islands. Sick of vacationing in poor countries? Or simply searching for a kid with a little more sophistication?


Save Lindsay Lohan, saved the world. Hours after her appendicitis, she was seen running around yelling out for "Michael." I can't think of what liquor that must be.

Lohan stood up Al Gore. Just a couple months ago she was talking about how Al Gore could help fix her.


Marilyn Manson's marriage is over after only one year. I no longer have faith in any marriage.


Donald Trump's prefabricated wife Melania is taking Donald's side. She says Rosie should read Trump's book. I'm guessing someone told Melania the gist of it, for surely she cannot read.

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

Donald Trump went off on Meredith Vieira on the Today Show for asking him about the Rosie feud. Yeah, can't she tell he doesn't like talking about that?

Just Wednesday night, he told Showbiz Tonight that Barbara was lying through her teeth when she read her little prepared "we love Rosie" speech on The View.


Britney's manager says Britney is aware of the backlash against her and knows what she needs to do to win back fans. Someone call Hefner.


Justin Timberlake showed up solo to the premiere of Alpha Dog.


Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed. Maybe alcohol has been keeping her from rejecting it until now.


Jessica Simpson is doing Pizza Hut commercials again. Let's just hope she can recapture the magic that made the DirecTV spots so good.


Paris Hilton keeps Jack Daniels in her trunk. I'm more concerned about the Barbie car.




A judge froze O.J. Simpson's assets. $1 million from his book deal was sent to a dummy corporation to avoid having to pay Ron Goldman's family for hypothetically murdering their son.


Busta Rhymes got arrested for beating the crap out of some dude in a dispute over money. Sadly, I can't tell you who owes who.


Leonardo DiCaprio adopted a kid in South Africa. Unlike Madonna and Angelina, he's letting the kid stay in his country and simply cash checks from Leo.


Some demented fan attacked the guy who plays John Black from Days of our Lives. From TMZ.com: "He was with his family in the backyard of their Malibu home when Carl Raymond Cheney came onto his property and ran at his daughter carrying a bible screaming "Where is he? I will cast him out!" Hogestyn says Cheney was "calling me by my stage name... recalling past storylines, especially the demonic possession of several years past. But more important, he thought I was dead, because the show that aired on Friday 12.29.06 left my character John Black shot & presumed dead." Classic.

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The tabloids say Britney's record label is thinking about dropping her. I guess her vagina disappointed them, too.


Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz didn't spend Christmas together, leading tabloids to claim "it's over!" I think Britney's available.


SpyOnVegas.com caught Paris Hilton taking an ice cube to the face. I guess that's better than the alternative.


Barbara Walters says Rosie is here to stay, regardless of what Trump thinks. What does Trump think? Rosie's fat and ugly.


Whitney Houston is selling her bras and panties to keep her cash flow intact. I guess that's better than trading them directly for crack.


Mario Lopez will host the Miss America Pageant in Vegas. I hope he knows they're not as slutty there as they are in the Miss USA competition.


Jamie Foxx couldn't convince Usher to take a shot at a New Year's Eve party. Usher wanted to stay sober and avoid any possible vagina slips.

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Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Jessica Simpson's dad is annoyed at her for turning down a New Year's Eve hosting gig at a club in Vegas so she could hang out with John Mayer. Britney Spears ended up hosting the event, where she had her little pass out/spontaneous sleep. At least Joe Simpson doesn't touch her.


Nick Lachey and Vanessa were dirty dancing at some club when Vanessa stumbled backward and out the back entrance. Nick got annoyed and walked away while her girlfriends took care of her.


TMZ.com says Jessica Alba is too skinny.


Moments later, Jessica's rib cage shredded the Nerf ball.


Anna Nicole Smith has until January 23 to get a paternity test.


Oprah opened a school in South Africa. Stedman continued to sit there with a mustache.


"Stedman, you have Oprah in your stash!"


Attempting to deliver a compliment, will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas says Michael Jackson still "sings like a bird." Unfortunately, he still "acts like a pedophile."


The father of Madonna's adopted son wants to know how his kid is doing but has no way of getting in contact with her. I'm glad he reminded me to loathe her today.


Will Ferrell's son Magmus now has a little bro, Mattias. And they can even have their first argument over who's name is more embarassing.


Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy got renewed through the 2012 season. I just hope we see some retro facil hair on Trebek before his time's through.


Demi Moore isn't pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair. She's not creepily old enough yet.


Nicole Kidman insists she go on every tour with Keith Urban.


Kelly Osbourne isn't making any New Year's Resolutions.

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Monday, January 01, 2007

Britney Spears people say she fell asleep at 1 a.m. New Year's because she was tired, not that she collapsed because she was too drunk. I'll have to see some photos to be sure. Vagina = sober.


When not passing out, Britney has been pretty good about being slutty. She made out with Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart Friday night. Then, his mansion turned into a trailer.


More weird NFL-celebrity news: Jessica Simpson's dad worked out a deal with Dallas quarterback Tony Romo. In exchange for some Cowboys tickets, Joe Simpson let Tony namedrop Jessica Simpson as a love interest. At least he's not completely whoring her out, well, at least until her career is officially dead.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Nick Lachey have settled their finances. He gets the flat screens and she gets the DirecTV commercial DVDs.


Michael Jackson showed up for James Brown's funeral. He says James was his biggest inspiration. Musically. Not pedophilically.


"Smell my hand."


Paris Hilton's New Year's Resolution: go to a children's hospital everywhere she visits. Let's just hope Britney's vagina doesn't join her for the visits.

You can now wipe your ass with Paris Hilton and not worry about infection. Someone's eBaying toilet paper with her face on it.


"Now available in Tabasco ply, for that burning sensation you've come to expect from Paris Hilton!"


Kevin Federline is scheduled to be on tonight's WWE Raw. I called it. I'm betting he's in for a decent string of appearances to keep his cash flow in line with his declining lifestyle.


Lindsay Lohan got pissed and made a scene at Girls Gone Wild Sleaze Joe Francis for hitting on girls not named "Lohan" at some club in Miami. I just can't get over the fact that the guy behind Girls Gone Wild would be hitting on girls. I'm with Lo on this one.


Mike Tyson's mugshot photo from his DUI/Coke arrest isn't quite as glammed out as a Mel Gibson or Nicole Richie mug, but he made an effort. Here's a good Wikipedia entry on Tyson.


"I'm so blazed, I could impetuously eat like 10 Lennox Lewis children right now."


Disappointment alert: Mariah Carey is going to be in Playboy...fully clothed.


This'll make you feel better: Indiana Jones 4 will start shooting next year.


Some guy dropped $20 thousand at Jose Canseco's garage sale, and he says Jose hasn't given him the bedroom set yet. So the guy's suing. What's Jose think? "Hey, that guy got more than his money's worth in used needles."


McGwire before he realized Jose needed to do more than just bump arms to give him some steroids. Then, he was confused by the whole ass injection procedure for awhile.

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Thursday, December 28, 2006

Donald Trump continues to amuse over Rosie. She called him a pimp on her blog, and he responded. "Rosie got mentally beaten up by me, because she's a mental midget, a lowlife. I think she's got a death wish. It's too bad a degenerate is able to get away with things like that." Did he forget about her being fat? What's going on?


WorldofBritney.com is shutting down. From TMZ.com: "As Britney keeps losing her identity and credibility within fans and industry people, so is [World of Britney]," writes Ruben Garay. "I believe Britney is unfortunately done (for me at least). No matter what anyone thinks or how they may disagree, it's very hard to maintain the respect needed to keep things going." Ruben says it wasn't all the vagina's fault. There was Kevin Federline, too.


Clay Aiken is an ass. Some 15 year old kid won some competition where the prize is apparently singing before a Clay Aiken show. Then, Clay kicked him off the show for not singing a Christmas song, or for a fellatio refusal. I'm not sure.


The guy who arrested Mel Gibson is being investigated for leaking information to TMZ.com. Oh, how strong the long arm of Mel.


More boobie pictures of Ex Miss Nevada have been discovered online. They've been up since June 2004. The pictures. Not her boobies. Okay, maybe her boobies, too.


Paris Hilton is hosting some New Year's "Bash" in Australia. The venue: her uterus.


Luke Perry and Jason Priestley got a bite to eat in Beverly Hills together.


I can't do this scene any justice no matter how good the caption.


Ginger Spice ate ice while skating with Posh Spice in London. Scary Spice would've been there, but she freaks out every time she sees her reflection in the ice. Wow. Lame joke.

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